Empty Nest

I can never seem to have my emotions at the right time.

When The Rationalist started Kindergarten a couple of years ago, nary a teardrop was found in my eye. He gave us a hug, went into his class and we all walked home. Instead, two weeks before his first day of school, I went through two days of regret, worry and sadness. I wondered if I had prepared him enough for being part of a large group for six hours a day. I felt badly that I had always looked forward to his starting school, easing the work for me at home. I mourned the loss of his personality throughout the day. Mother guilt overwhelmed me.

After those couple of days, I was fine. We cheerily bought school supplies and uniforms for his big day. When it finally arrived, we smiled and congratulated him on becoming such a big boy while weeping parents ambled away from the school, red-faced and and sorrowful.

School starts in 17 days. Intuitive Monkey will finally be in Kindergarten and my nest will be empty. I am a wreck. Have I been a good enough mother? Could I have been better? Now that I am handing both of my children over to other people for a huge chunk of the day, will our relationship stay the same? What the heck am I supposed to do with my life now?

I'll be OK. We'll shop for school supplies and uniforms. We'll tell him he is such a big boy and congratulate him. We'll cheerily drop him off while first-time mothers are gulping down their silent sobs. We'll move into a new phase of life.

I'll be OK.