Tuesday, May 08, 2007
5:15 pm--City Hall
Superman announced his early retirement from crime fighting citing a breakdown in contract negotiations and a loss of health benefits as a major factor in his decision.
Speculation and rumors surround the timing of his retirement. Unnamed sources say the loss of his right leg has greatly impaired his ability to fly in a straight line, leading to numerous collisions with skyscrapers, power lines, and an occasional NBA basketball player. Others point to Superman's newly receding hairline as evidence of a secret tie to his arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor, who established the International Hair Institute for Men with the billions he stole from the World Bank last year.
Minutes after Superman's announcement, offers began to pour in from industrial companies. The Nevada Association for Wind-Farming presented a hefty compensation package to him for the use of his Super-Breath abilites. Johns Hopkins presented an offer to name Superman as head of the Radioloogy Department. His X-ray vision is said to be more accurate than current technologies.
When asked about his future plans, Superman was quoted as saying, "I'm going to Disney World!"