Monday, April 02, 2007

Waiting, Watching, and Weeping

My spiritual life is currently best described as being at a standstill...and yet, very much like a roller coaster.

The truth is that about two years ago we had to leave a church that we dearly loved and felt deeply connected with. It's a long, complicated story that I have begun to write many times before, but never had the strength to finish and post. I would need pages without end and oceans of words to express the repercussions that have torn through my spirit like a tsunami, leaving a shoreline of splintered devastation in desperate need of rebuilding. I will save that story for a time when I am more prepared to share it.

However, I can say that in the wake of all the inner turmoil I experienced, I did my best to withdraw from God, and other Christians. I didn't turn my back on Him, but I mentally excluded myself from thinking too deeply about life, spiritual issues, and all things church-related. Our family settled into a different church that is OK, but hasn't really nourished my soul. That is probably more of reflection on me than on the church.

Regardless, I have been living my spiritual life on auto-pilot. I have seen God provide for us and know that He is still there, but I have felt apathetic, passionless, and just a wee bit (maybe more than a wee bit) cynical. I know it's wrong. I don't like it when I get this way.

While I was driving, it occurred to me that I had slipped into the very bad habit of not thinking about or even asking God for direction in my life. I wasn't living with Him as my main motivation and source. Some of that has come from just being a busy mom who is always enacting plan B in the face of constantly changing circumstances. But, some of it has happened as I have withdrawn from the serious contemplation of my spiritual life.

The pain of what happened has kept me from attempting to delve too deeply into the waters. I am afraid of what lurks in the waters' depths because occasionally, a shark has brushed up against me...an invader of God's plentiful waters. I have a few bite marks on my soul.

In a brief moment I sensed how much I had lost, not just in community, but in the very essence of my being. I mourned briefly as I arrived where I was going.

Now, I simply wait. I wait for healing. I wait for renewal. I wait for God's grace to wash over me and lead me back to peace.

Come quickly, Lord.

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