I woke with an uneasy start. Cloudy, dreamlike thoughts drifted in and out of the gradual dawn of my awakened senses. As I lay silently and alone, I once again felt guilt that I had made no effort to be with God in the past week. Rebellion is a term saved for teens in leather jackets, but my own stubborn apathy was close enough. I knew I should do better, be better, live better than I was, but I felt pulled down by the rip currents in my life.
I reached over and grabbed the Bible I hadn't touched since Sunday, cracked it open, and read:
It [salvation] does not, therefore depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.
and later on
Romans 9 :30-32
What then shall we say? That the Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained it, a righteousness that is by faith; but Israel who pursued a law of righteousness, has not attained it. Why not? Because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works. They stumbled over the stumbling stone.
As I tried to quiet my discomfited soul, I turned to a verse that always reassures me when my spiritual life seems dry and brittle.
2 Timothy 2:13
If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I remembered that God's love and patience is greater than my own. He can withstand my foolish stubbornness. He has not abandoned me despite my listless wanderings. Perfect obedience was not the key to His kingdom, and I was still a welcome citizen.
Thank you, God.