Thursday, November 29, 2007

Lumpy

Last week I found a lump in my breast.

Well, I actually rediscovered a lump in my breast. I had come across it a couple of months earlier, but I wasn't sure that it was actually a lump. I don't really do self-exams on a regular basis and have never really known what I was looking for anyway. I read up on things and learned that breasts change during the course of a menstrual cycle, so you have to pay attention to things to know if something is new or swollen as a result of hormonal changes, etc. If only I had that topographical map of my breasts. I know I must have left it around here somewhere!

I filed the info away and promptly forgot all about it...Until Thursday. I came across the lump inadvertently as I was dressing and remembered the incident from a few months earlier. There was definitely something there...and it seemed larger to me.

Of course once I started down that train of thought, it became difficult to weed out what was true and what was paranoid hypochondria: Was it really bigger? Did it really seem to feel different than the rest of my breast tissue? Could I really...possibly...have cancer?

I decided the answers were..yes....yes....and...maybe.

I rushed through some emotions very quickly on Sunday, trying to sort through what it might mean, what might happen, and if I was worrying about it too much about it. There was definitely an element of shock and vague fear.

I don't really have a current doctor. My OB/GYN stopped practicing a year after I had Intuitive Monkey. I never got another one because life was busy, money was tight, and I had a million excuses. That was probably pretty dumb.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend alternately between melodramatic scenarios ending in my death and confident self-assurance that I was being a big baby, worrying about something that was probably nothing. On Monday, I called around and got an appointment to get everything checked out. A weight was lifted off of me. I realized that taking a constructive step forward made me feel less fearful and more in control.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with an OB/GYN. I don't expect too much. They'll make me wait in the lobby for an hour reading outdated parenting and baby magazines, examine me, and then probably send me somewhere for a test. I won't actually know anything more than I do now.

I am a little anxious. It is surreal to consider the possibility of anything serious being wrong with me. I'm supposed to be immortal...aren't I?

Right now, I am trying to not worry about it until I know more...Then, I'll worry! :-)

1 comment:

Jazzki said...

That kind of thing can definitely be scary, Terri. (Note aside: your hubby could no doubt provide you with a super accurate topo map.) I went thru a similar scare 2 years ago (not a lump, but occasional secretions---and this from spiggots that never produced milk), but googled fiercely and noticed it only happened before Ole Monthly Milly arrived, so in the end, concluded it was harmless.

Must be right, cuz I'm still here. ;)

Wishing you a relieving diagnosis----and Happy Advent, too!

Jazzki

PS: A lot of times, those lumps're just benign cysts.