Lumpy

Last week I found a lump in my breast.

Well, I actually rediscovered a lump in my breast. I had come across it a couple of months earlier, but I wasn't sure that it was actually a lump. I don't really do self-exams on a regular basis and have never really known what I was looking for anyway. I read up on things and learned that breasts change during the course of a menstrual cycle, so you have to pay attention to things to know if something is new or swollen as a result of hormonal changes, etc. If only I had that topographical map of my breasts. I know I must have left it around here somewhere!

I filed the info away and promptly forgot all about it...Until Thursday. I came across the lump inadvertently as I was dressing and remembered the incident from a few months earlier. There was definitely something there...and it seemed larger to me.

Of course once I started down that train of thought, it became difficult to weed out what was true and what was paranoid hypochondria: Was it really bigger? Did it really seem to feel different than the rest of my breast tissue? Could I really...possibly...have cancer?

I decided the answers were..yes....yes....and...maybe.

I rushed through some emotions very quickly on Sunday, trying to sort through what it might mean, what might happen, and if I was worrying about it too much about it. There was definitely an element of shock and vague fear.

I don't really have a current doctor. My OB/GYN stopped practicing a year after I had Intuitive Monkey. I never got another one because life was busy, money was tight, and I had a million excuses. That was probably pretty dumb.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend alternately between melodramatic scenarios ending in my death and confident self-assurance that I was being a big baby, worrying about something that was probably nothing. On Monday, I called around and got an appointment to get everything checked out. A weight was lifted off of me. I realized that taking a constructive step forward made me feel less fearful and more in control.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with an OB/GYN. I don't expect too much. They'll make me wait in the lobby for an hour reading outdated parenting and baby magazines, examine me, and then probably send me somewhere for a test. I won't actually know anything more than I do now.

I am a little anxious. It is surreal to consider the possibility of anything serious being wrong with me. I'm supposed to be immortal...aren't I?

Right now, I am trying to not worry about it until I know more...Then, I'll worry! :-)