Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Running Low

There's someone in my life I need to forgive.

The thing is, I am tired of forgiving this person. There will be apologies, explanations, reasons for the offense towards me, all given from a contrite heart. I will concede forgiveness and eventually wipe away the past, but it's becoming harder and harder to do.

Forgiveness used to flow freely from me, even towards people who have done the unspeakable to me or been so self-centered that I was crushed in their quest for fulfillment. No matter how despicable the person's actions, I could see through it all and either find a way to find good in them, or at the very least understand why they were the way they were, allowing me to let go of the hurt they caused and instead feel pity for them.

Many times my forgiveness has flowed from a self-recognition that I am not much better than the person before me. I may be really mad or upset until I remember some not-so-proud moment in my own life that would make the current dilemma seem like tiddlywinks.

But now.......as all the familiar verses flow through my head....I say you should forgive seventy times seven.......the measure you use for others will be the same measure used for you......forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us......pray for your enemies......I am left feeling that I don't have much left in my measure. I am counting up past offenses on the odd chance that I have actually reached seventy times seven. I am left prayerless for my "enemy".

It hurts. I am actually a little ticked that God expects me to forgive this person once again. Once, twice, even seven times maybe, but when is it enough? Sometimes I just wonder if my forgiveness is nothing more than enablement. I start wondering if God wants me to be his instrument of wrath and judgement towards this person. I'm sure He doesn't. It's just a visceral reaction.

In the past, forgiving was easier. Maybe it's because I was younger and more idealistic. Things seemed much simpler then. Maybe I had more faith in God, people, and my own well of mercy.

All I know is that my well seems to be running dry.

If you visit this blog, and you happen to be a believer, please pray that God would help me to once again find the ability to forgive a deep hurt. I could really use it.....and so could the other person.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

*hug*

May your cup (well, in this instance) runneth over.