Fellowship of Sufferings

Early this morning, as I was driving to work, I was lost in thought about the person in my life that I need to forgive, but towards whom I am feeling less than merciful.

All I can think about is how deeply I am hurt and how frequently it has occurred. It's not fair to always have to take the high road. It's frustrating not to be treated according to the love that you have shown someone else--to be betrayed and let down by someone close to you.

As I drove through the dreary rain, grey all around me, I experienced one of those little flashes that God sometimes sends my way. A brief remembrance of the phrase the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

It hit home.

This person doesn't deserve my forgiveness. They have treated me poorly and disregarded the impact their offense has had on me. They deserve punishment, judgement, and being removed from my life. They don't even recognize the depth of pain they have caused me and how far-reaching the effects have been, and continue to be.

They have been my initiation into the fellowship of Jesus' sufferings. As He had to forgive those closest to Him, so must I. As He had to live ministering to many who would later crucify Him, so must I. As He longed for someone to stay awake with Him in his darkest hours and was left alone, so have I been left.

Convicted, insulted, beaten and crucified by those he created and loved.

My suffering has been light compared to many, but in this act of constantly forgiving those who, perhaps don't deserve it, I participate in that fellowship. I am identified with the Ultimate act of forgiveness. I practice the pattern before me.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead. --Philippians 3:10-11

Running Low

There's someone in my life I need to forgive.

The thing is, I am tired of forgiving this person. There will be apologies, explanations, reasons for the offense towards me, all given from a contrite heart. I will concede forgiveness and eventually wipe away the past, but it's becoming harder and harder to do.

Forgiveness used to flow freely from me, even towards people who have done the unspeakable to me or been so self-centered that I was crushed in their quest for fulfillment. No matter how despicable the person's actions, I could see through it all and either find a way to find good in them, or at the very least understand why they were the way they were, allowing me to let go of the hurt they caused and instead feel pity for them.

Many times my forgiveness has flowed from a self-recognition that I am not much better than the person before me. I may be really mad or upset until I remember some not-so-proud moment in my own life that would make the current dilemma seem like tiddlywinks.

But now.......as all the familiar verses flow through my head....I say you should forgive seventy times seven.......the measure you use for others will be the same measure used for you......forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us......pray for your enemies......I am left feeling that I don't have much left in my measure. I am counting up past offenses on the odd chance that I have actually reached seventy times seven. I am left prayerless for my "enemy".

It hurts. I am actually a little ticked that God expects me to forgive this person once again. Once, twice, even seven times maybe, but when is it enough? Sometimes I just wonder if my forgiveness is nothing more than enablement. I start wondering if God wants me to be his instrument of wrath and judgement towards this person. I'm sure He doesn't. It's just a visceral reaction.

In the past, forgiving was easier. Maybe it's because I was younger and more idealistic. Things seemed much simpler then. Maybe I had more faith in God, people, and my own well of mercy.

All I know is that my well seems to be running dry.

If you visit this blog, and you happen to be a believer, please pray that God would help me to once again find the ability to forgive a deep hurt. I could really use it.....and so could the other person.