While out visiting my dad this past weekend, I was once again visited by the spectre of a regretful childhood.
I was really sick Saturday night. I developed a migraine and then had to vomit because the pain was so severe. I was alone with my kids at my dad's house. Earlier, he had suggested watching a movie--one that my kids could actually watch. I was lucky that they watched it, because I couldn't have managed if they hadn't. While I lay there, feeling sicker than I had in many years, my dad sat oblivious on the couch. No offer of help, no question of concern, no wondering if I needed something. It was depressing.
It's nothing new. I know my dad. I even know his inability to connect with others in meaningful ways isn't completely his fault. A tyrant of a father and a ruthlessly sarcastic family helped mold his lonely life.
But, it still sucked.
It reminded me once again about the pain of having parents that aren't really parents. I have worked past it, and accepted God as my only true parent, but every now and then an event like this will sweep over me, drowning me in the familiar feelings of loss for something I never really had.
I have many unfulfilled wishes.
1. I wish I had someone to call when I needed wise advice.
2. I wish I wasn't the parent in my relationship with my mom and dad.
3. I wish I had a parent I could admire.
4. I wish I knew that I could rely on my parents if something bad happened.
5. I wish my parents called to check on me, instead of me calling to check on them.
6. I wish that my parents were complete and whole people.
7. I wish that I got together with my parents because I like to, not because I think I should.
8. I wish that I could trust one of my parents to take care of my boys if something happened to us.(I can't.)
9. I wish that my parents were happy people.
10. I wish that I didn't feel this way about my parents.