Saturday, June 30, 2007

Uncertainty

There's a pit in my stomach.

In only two more months, both of my boys will be in elementary school. The Rationalist will be in second grade and Intuitive Monkey will be starting kindergarten. We will have reached a milestone.

So much of our lives, over the past seven years, has revolved around finding ways for me to be able to stay at home to care for our young children. We have always managed to just squeak by and financially make it. It was an important goal for us. To meet it, I operated a home day-care for about three years. I also began creating and selling handcrafted jewelry online and at local arts and crafts shows. There were a few times we thought we wouldn't make it, but God would always came through with some unexpected raise, opportunity, or gift. We are thankful to Him for it.

Now, as that goal is almost reached, I am left wondering what's next.

It's a little scary. I am filled with all kinds of doubts about finding a job. Seven years outside of the traditional workforce is a long time. Employers look down on such long absences and inconsistent work history. My English degree was pretty useless when it was new, let alone now that it's ten years old. What if having been my own boss, not having to conform to someone else's expectations and schedule, has ruined me for future employment?

Lots of swirling thoughts.

Part of me looks forward to venturing past the walls of our home. While being at home has been worth it for our kids, and the family that we are nourishing, it has also been very difficult and isolating for me sometimes. Having another outlet, and something to which I can contribute, is very appealing.

But, I'm still scared. It's like the first day you walk onto campus in college. It's exciting, nerve-wracking, and uncertain all at the same time.

There's a pit in my stomach.

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