Celebrity Sound-Alike

Apparently Judge Marilyn Milian is my verbal doppelganger.

While the People's Court played in the background, Judge Milian's voice came ringing out:

"That's it! Don't say another word. You and you.....be quiet and don't say anything until I ask you a question! And then only answer my question 'Yes' or 'No'! Got it?!"

The Rationalist said,"Hey mom....she sounds like you!"

um...yeah...that's me about 100 times per day.

Love? Thy Neighbor

God, were you really serious about that whole "love your neighbor" thing?

I mean, really, have you met my neighbors?

You know, the ones whose son used to smoke pot with his friends in the front yard, during the day, while my kids ate lunch in the kitchen looking out the window to the front yard, wondering what all that smoke was from.

You know...the son who had the cops banging on the front door shouting, "We know you're in there! OPEN THE DOOR....NOW!"

The same neighbors who mow two feet over into our yard. Every. Single. Time. They. Mow.

The same neighbors who can't seem to tell by the fence and the fact that their lawn mower is literally two inches from the walls of our home, that they are on our property.

The same neighbors who decided that having a real, live rooster in their backyard in a crowded subdivision would be a great idea.

You didn't literally mean neighbors, did you? Can I just love my grocer and dentist instead?

Future Politician

Awww...isn't this a cute picture of Intuitive Monkey's construction abilities?


No, it's not. It is actually a symbol of rebellious defiance of parental authority. Really.

Intuitive Monkey loves Tinker Toys. He constructs endless robots, spaceships, and these things that he calls "x"-men and "y"-men. They fly through the house, waging inter-galactic war zooming and crashing into each other for hours on end.

Having spied the disaster that we like to call the play room, I knew that dozens of Tinker Toy constructions covered every square inch of floor space.

Me: "Monkey, I want you to clean up all the Tinker Toys in the play room."

Intuitive Monkey: "Do I have to take them apart? "

Me: "You can keep two of your favorite things together, but the rest you need to take apart and put in the box."

Monkey, lower lip trembling: "But there allllllll my favorites!

*crying, pleading, begging for mercy from me*

Me: "No, you can only keep two. Take everything else apart and put it away!"

Intuitive Monkey sulks off, planning my soon-coming, "accidental" death.

*10 minutes pass*

Monkey: "Can I be done cleaning up now?"

Me: "Did you clean up the Tinker Toys?"

Monkey, smiling sweetly: "I made two gigantic robots, so I don't have anything to clean."

My five-year-old had found a way to completely thwart my intentions while, at the same time, perfectly obeying my instructions. A true politician.

I couldn't be mad at him. His solution was too ingenious not to be appreciated!

Me, On A Diet...sort of

Well, my enthusiasm for trying to lose weight and become more healthy has waned a little, but I am still headed in the right direction. I am in my "warm-up" phase as I like to think of it. I have switched to whole wheat/grain and begun to exercise on a daily basis, which has been sad in a way. As I got up the first morning after working out, I realized how completely out of shape I was. Very. Very. Pathetic.

You, On A Diet focuses most of its attention on eating correctly in order to get your body to function better and more naturally and easily lose weight. Avoiding sugar and, more importantly, high fructose corn syrup is emphasized as essential to getting your body's blood sugar and hormonal output to regulate itself more efficiently.

That, my friends, is where I have stalled out. I think I can finally admit this now.

Hi. I'm Terri and I'm a sugarholic.

It all started when I was a wee child being lured behind the bleachers to partake in an illegal Hostess cupcake. Or, maybe it was those school fundraisers that require you to take home a case of M&M's to sell. I lost a lot of my allowance in that deal.

Either way, I slowly evolved into a sugar fiend looking for my next hit. I spiralled into deviant behavior, stealing Halloween candy from my kids, saving the bigger piece of cake for myself, hocking my future health for a quick candy bar high.

I would tell myself all the normal lies:

• I can stop any time...really.

• It's not my fault.

• I will never eat a whole bag of Chips Ahoy again.

• Problem? I don't have a problem.

• I'll do better tomorrow.

• It's not that big of a deal.

The problem with a sugar addiction is that everyone's always a dealer. They don't hide in back alleys or dark parking lots quickly handing you a bag of pure cane sugar as you nervously throw cash at them. Instead, they show up at family gatherings, church functions, and school "parties" that are really just mini-recruitment seminars for new addicts and dealers. Every holiday becomes a bender as I freebase chocolate, jelly beans, or Christmas cookies. It's a dark, dark world people.

I keep waiting for them to make a gripping, Oscar-winning movie about the suburban housewife's life and death struggle with this vicious demon. Heck, I'd watch it....as I long as I got to eat some Milk Duds in the blackness of the movie theater.