In Search of a Tribe

I started this post at the beginning of June and never finished it. Now, my longing for a tribe has only been made more intense.

I have been in a pattern of complete avoidance regarding the church we've been attending for the last couple of years. In the past six months I have probably only been to church about four, or five, times. Working on my father's house almost every weekend kept me out of town and gave me an excuse not to think about it too much.

You see, our family never quite recovered from leaving the church we attended for many years on the heels of some crazy goings on. We hid out in a mega-church for a couple of years, never quite connecting because of the sheer size of the congregation and the fact that our lives and schedules didn't mesh with the opportunities provided; DH worked late and we didn't have extra money to spare for a regular babysitter in order to attend evening small groups.

We settled where we are now simply because we had been looking for a new, smaller church when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. There were a few things we liked about the church, but mainly we realized that we needed to settle down somewhere because we weren't up for the emotional ups and downs of church shopping while I was going to have to go through surgeries and chemo.

We managed to get through that year and were just starting to try and get involved when the pastor was changed, apparently at the congregation's request. There were issues that we didn't know much about because we were relatively new and didn't have any idea about the inner workings of the church.

A new pastor was eventually appointed.

The new pastor actually was quite nice. He was older, had better organized and meaningful sermons, and I could tell that he was educated at a high theological/biblical studies level. It turned out he had been a professor at a Methodist University for some time.

I liked him, but then my life got busy and those 6 months of absenteeism took over. I had been planning on trying to talk with him about some things when the announcement came down that he was retiring and a new pastor would be taking his place in a couple of weeks.

This has just thrown me back into a mental limbo with regard to the church. We have no idea what this next guy will be like, and it stinks that this church will be on its third pastor in two years.

Almost five years have passed since things disintegrated at the church we used to love, and we are still just as disconnected and uncertain as ever.

*******

Well...I guess I know what the new guy's like now.

Sunday was the new, new pastor's first day on the job. I'm thinking staying at this church just might be untenable for me. We were already putting up with sub-optimal feelings about staying here, and now I just don't see it working.

The newly appointed pastor has much more enthusiasm than we have seen in the last two pastors, but it seems to be focused in a culture war direction. Besides the God and Country sermon we were treated to on Sunday, we had to hear the typical "America turning away from God" points...because apparently the fact that West Point no longer requires its students to attend chapel is a sign of the coming destruction of the United States.

Actually, mandatory chapel attendance was dropped from West Point in 1973, over 37 years ago. Here I am, in 2010, listening to a preacher quote this fact, minus the date, as if it just happened recently. This is a sign of the culture wars. It doesn't matter that the battle was lost almost 40 years ago. Somehow, it still is relevant to the state of the world and our Christian piety in 2010.

I can't do this. I can't go Sunday after Sunday listening to someone who wants to stir everybody up about irrelevant, outdated facts and use it as a goad to make people "live better" or "transform our country". The worst part about the service wasn't even that the new pastor went this route, but that many of the members were amen-ing him.

The church we attend has two services. An early morning, contemporary service and a traditional service. We attend the early service because we like it better and because we are mostly morning people.

Having two services has stratified the congregation. The contemporary service has lower attendance but is more diverse; young families, older couples, middle-aged couples. The traditional service is twice as large and completely unbalanced demographically. There are no children in the traditional service, mainly because everyone who attends that service is about 60 or older. They are very traditional in every sense of the word.

We've known about this stratification for some time, but we were happy to hang out in the early service .

I realized on Sunday, because the services were combined into one single service, why the first pastor had likely been dismissed. The larger part of the congregation wanted someone like this new pastor. They wanted a culture warrior, a shouter, a guilt-user in leadership over them. I had seen glimpses of this in the church newsletters, which were occasionally filled with the same type of intonation, but I had brushed it aside because there are always people in any given church who you might find disagreeable, or whose opinions you really don't like, but you choose to ignore for the sake of peace, or simply because one person's opinion is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

Now, I am seeing that this runs deeper than a few older people who are set in their ways.

DH and I have talked about this endlessly, unsure about what to do. We have stuck around at this church because some of the people are nice and our kids feel very welcome and enjoy attending there. Also, we haven't wanted to jerk the kids around from church to church trying to find something that may not even exist; the perfect church for us.

I, personally, am really struggling with this, partly through my own "fault", though I think the term "fault" is a misnomer. I have spent too much time studying, thinking, and rethinking my faith to be comfortable in a church like this. I can't listen to some yahoo who just makes things up, or slants things in particular ways to suit his own agenda.

What is the point of me going to a church like that?

I shouldn't consistently leave a church stewing and feeling beleaguered.

Planting Roots

So...you know that United Methodist Church that I kind of, sort of, fisked  awhile back?

Well, we have decided to actually stay and make it our church home.  

We've been very conflicted about the whole thing, but have finally decided to try  the "grow where you're planted" approach.  

As many flaws as this current church has, it has genuine people and opportunities for us to take an active role and contribute to the church.  In that spirit, tonight I decided to step out of the lurker status, which I have tightly clutched during the past year, and fling myself into actual non-Sunday-morning contact with people.  I worked up the nerve to join the worship team for rehearsal, in the hopes that I would be able to integrate more fully into the church's ministry and do more than passively sit in a pew.  

For many years in the church that we left when things started getting bizarre and dicey, I participated in worship.  It was my main contribution at the time because our children were still so young. It was something I could do without committing too much of my very consumed time.  When we moved on to Megamart Church, I tried to join the choir and was non-plussed by the whole experience.  It was so large, impersonal, and machine-like in the way it was run that I just faded out of it and decided it wasn't going to help me feel as if I were a part of the church.

So, here I am again, trying to step out into community and find a place where I can use some of my skills to help support or minister in some small way.  It's been a long time, and it feels really good to be trying again.  I have spent far too long on the sidelines licking my wounds over the last couple years.  I finally feel ready to move forward.

I think that's why we have decided to stay at this church with its little idio-syncrasies. We're finally ready to attempt community, real community, again.

Much of our faith can only be worked out in relation to other people.  Grace.  Love.  Service. Those are hard things to develop on your own.

Spiritually Dry

I haven't posted about our family's church search in quite some time.

We had made the decision to leave Mega-Mart Evangelical Church in January of this year. One month later I received my breast cancer diagnosis. Things got a little hectic as our family kicked into survival mode.

We visited several churches at first, but eventually decided to stick with a small United Methodist church once my diagnosis and treatment options became more complicated. Circumstances weren't optimal for carefully finding a church home.

At first, this seemed like a wise choice. We settled into this small church and enjoyed not having to think about the whole thing for a while. Our kids acclimated and seemed content. DH and I, on the other hand, struggled with attending. The actual content on Sunday mornings left a lot to be desired. The preaching was "bible lite"; not much substance and a few worn-out cliches.

That sounds really harsh, and maybe it is. The pastor is a nice enough person. It's not a lack of sincerity that undercuts his teaching.

Still, the superficiality of the messages seemed to run through the entire church. We tried several times to integrate into a Sunday School class with depressing results. The people were very nice, but no one had leadership of the class. The entire hour would be spent chit-chatting or debating about whose turn it was to lead that morning. No one was prepared. No one wanted to be prepared.

That happens from time to time in any church. Here, it happened on multiple Sundays. The class was floundering. 

The most excruciating moment for me came during a particular Sunday morning service.  The pastor was sick and the worship leader/music director was giving the message.  I squirmed in horror while he related an old urban legend, which he received as an e-mail, as proof of God's control and care of the universe--The missing day/hour of earth time.  

What could be worse than promoting a completely fictitious story from the pulpit?(ok, atheists/agnostics, I don't want any jokes about how that happens every Sunday.)

sigh.

As we have wrestled with what we are looking for in a church, I have been having my own spiritual upheavals.  Much of my thinking about what the purpose of a church is, and what one should expect from church, has changed. I find myself leaning more and more towards a sacramental view of communion and baptism, and away from the purely symbolic view that my Baptist/non-denominational background has taught me.

This is not particularly new to me.  I have always thought that more emphasis should be placed on these two rites, than what is traditionally done in evangelical circles. I just didn't know what to do with my thoughts about it, or even realize that some of my beliefs were affirmed in more liturgical churches.

Not proudly, I will admit that I always viewed liturgical churches as dry, dead, and probably liberal. They were probably barely even Christian.

Someone should have slapped me with a cold fish.

Liturgy can be dry.  It can be boring.  It can be rote.

When approached with faith, it can be extremely meaningful and worshipful.  

Now I have two sides of myself in constant debate.  My non-denominational, evangelical ways have been so ingrained in me, that even as I reject a portion of them, it is painful.  My leaning toward a sacramental, liturgical view of things is requiring a major paradigm shift.  I am left somewhere in the middle trying to discern which path to take.  

It's uncomfortable and a little breath-taking all at the same time.

I'm Too Sexy For My Church

The imonk has a devastatingly scathing piece on Ed Young's 7 day sex challenge, Leaving Lust Vegas.

He's right on target.  

Sunday Blah's

I'm missing church again this morning.

Although I feel well in general, some swelling has developed right under my arm from the surgery. Right by my shoulder it looks as if someone slid a small lime just under my skin. Sort of freaky. It's not a big deal, and will dissipate over the next couple of weeks, but for the moment it makes wearing certain clothing very uncomfortable.

And then there's the fact that I am still unbalanced, physically speaking. I can't get a prosthesis, for another week or so, which makes sitting in church, hoping the polyester-fill puffs that I can wear aren't shifting around, an unappealing choice.

I had enough embarrassing moments in my adolescence, I don't need to add to my mental collection of humiliation. Creating new memories in that category is the opposite of what I was hoping for as I aged. I'd rather let the ones I do recall fade to black as my memory gets worse. No need to replace them.

Anyway, I miss church. Getting out of the house and having something else to focus on would be good for me. Plus, I'm missing communion today and won't partake in it again until the first Sunday of the next month.

However, by then I should be unswollen, balanced, and mostly normal...although I'm not sure normal is a good word to describe me.

:-)

More Church Shopping

For the last two weeks we have a visited a small...well, maybe smaller is the right word...United Methodist church, and have actually enjoyed it in comparison to other churches we have recently visited. It's not perfect; the music could use some fine-tuning, the slide projector person needs to pay closer attention to what's happening, and the congregation is not exceptionally exuberant in their singing, but in some ways that only adds to the church's charm. It's a real church filled with real people.

One of the things that DH and I appreciated was having the kids with us in the service. An issue that we have spent much time discussing is the splitting up of families during the church hour. For two years our kids have been separated from us from beginning to end. While that approach is appropriate for young children, school-age children are fully capable of participating in the church service. We have wanted a place where our children could see us, and other families, worshipping together, to understand that the church is a community of people of all ages, united in a single purpose.

After worship, the kids were called up for a 5-minute "children's sermon" and then went off to children's church, freed from listening to the sermon. Today was interesting because the church served communion, an important part of worship for me. In the past, we have not allowed our children to partake, saving it until such a time that we were sure they understood the seriousness and meaning of it. That has been our personal decision, not one based on a particular theological/denominational stance. All that was thrown out the window this morning when the children returned with their leaders to take communion with the rest of the church. The boys were happily in line with their comrades, marching toward the altar. Conflicted, I looked at DH. He shrugged and said not to worry about it. Part of me was a little disappointed because I would have liked to have known beforehand that this would be the morning of their first communion, but part of me was also glad that the church thought enough of the ritual to involve the children and workers in the other building.

DH and I have been generally pleased with the church and will definitely visit again. Although DH grew up in a United Methodist church, I am not overly familiar with its background or deeper theological beliefs. However, considering that I have never been a part of a church in which I was in 100% agreement on every issue, I'm not sure how much difference that will make to me....unless, of course, we have to get bar-code tattoos, or drink special Kool-Aid. That might throw me off my game.

Community

We missed church lst week because Intuitive Monkey had a cold which eventually became pneumonia. He has been on antibiotics since Tuesday and feels much better, but still is battling a nagging cough.

DH had to leave for the ariport at 10:30. The time change went into effect last night. We started visiting churches last month, looking for one to call home. Those three factors coalesced into the decision to not attend anywhere this week.

Instead, we decided we would have church at home today. We read from Matthew, the passage about the Last Supper. We stopped every few moments explaining the backstory to the kids, explaining words like "indignant", "betray", and "chief priests." Both of the boys were very interested. They have heard the Easter story many times, but I think they are old enough to catch nuances in the story that would have been difficult to understand previously, such as the enormity of Judas' betrayl of Jesus, the false prosecution of an innocent man, and people conspiring in back rooms. Afterward we prayed for DH's safety as he travels and that God would be with him as he presents material to a large group. It's an important step for him and his job, one that he is eager to do, but one that's also a little nerve-wracking.

It was a sweet time. Even though I am longing for a larger church community to belong to, this morning my family was all the community I needed to worship. I actually felt peaceful and encouraged that God is still guiding us. May He lead us to where we need to be and help us grow together in community with each other as we search.

McChurch

Yes...this is exactly what I'm thinking about in response to the "multi-site" vision of our church.

McChurch.....I'm so not lovin' it.

church search

Yesterday I got home early from work and spent too much some time looking online for churches in our area that we could visit. Last Sunday struck home to me once again that--while I really like the pastor of the church we're attending, and the people are nice--this church is just not working for me or for our family. DH and I have talked about this on numerous occasions and just scratched our heads on what to do about it.

So...where was I? Oh yeah...the internet.

Well, after ruling out Catholic churches because we're not Catholic, Southern Baptist Churches because they can't seem to get past constantly harping about gender issues and I get annoyed by that, and very wacky charismatic churches, there's not much left to choose from. Nondenominational churches are a mixed bag. They can be very charismatic or KJV-only dogmatic. You never really know until you visit.

I sifted through the web for the few churches left that didn't fall into those categories and was depressed by what I found.

Here are a few things I came across that set off warning signs:

1. If the church's staff members all share the same last name, that's bad. A church run by one family is just asking for trouble.

2. If the What We Believe section is five pages long and has more detail than an electrical engineering book, that's bad. The need to place disputable matters alongside basic doctrines of Christianity indicates a rigid and closed perspective.

3. If the church has a page describing how it is a new work and explaining how other churches have lost their way and are gravely mistaken about how to do church, and how this church would never do that, that's bad. The church is likely the result of a split from another church and there will be a whole lot of baggage to work through.

4. If the Pastor's page lists all of his ministerial experiences, and you add it all up to discover he has been in 7 different churches in the span of 10 years, that's bad. Someone can't seem to keep a job or live in a stable way. Run for the hills on that one.

5. If the home page has an advertisement for So and So's worship CD's, who also happens to be married to one of the church leaders, that's bad. The church is not a place to hawk your son-in-law's products.

I finished my web search with a discouraged heart.

Surely somewhere in this community is a healthy, open church that we can be a part of and serve in. It couldn't be that hard to find one, could it?

heh.

One Last Nail in the Coffin

heh.

Today was the Sunday that we help out in the children's ministry at the church we attend. We do that once a month to help fill in areas that have people missing. It's an easy way to contribute without requiring too much of us right now. We have been on the fence about delving more into ministry here as a result of our ambivalence about our place here.

For the past week or so I have been thinking that we should just grow where we're planted, and try to forge ahead to find/make a place for ourselves in this church, to strengthen our ties to it and begin to develop relationships. Now, I'm ready to chuck that idea out the window.

We have been here for over two years, mainly because this is where we landed after leaving a church that we dearly loved. We searched around, found this church to be a close fit theologically-speaking and settled in to lick our wounds. The wounds are just about cleared up, but my interest for this particular church has grown no stronger.

So, what's the problem? Is it me? Am I simply a whiner and complainer? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It's hard to evaluate whether it's me, or the church, or simply the combination of the two.

I have come to realize that philosophically I have completely divergent views on what the purpose of a church is and how to achieve that purpose. I agree with almost all of the theology of this church. I have much in common with its members. There is no glaring spiritual issue pushing me out the door.....at least from a superficial perspective. So what's the deal?

Here's the deal:

All of the ministry choices and administration are dictated, perhaps subconsciously, by the size of this church. There is no Sunday School or Bible Study offered on Sunday mornings because the church is filled to capacity for the two services that are offered. People come for the service and then leave, making room for the next round. Instead, the church pushes cell groups, called Life Groups, as a way to build relationship and community within the church.

It sounds great, but it is completely incompatible with our lives. It involves finding child care for the kids and meeting in someone's home on a weeknight. We have no budget for childcare, and DH works into the evening, past the time that most groups meet.

Which brings me to another philosophical difference I have with this church. Everybody is separated. Sunday mornings, adults go into the main sanctuary, elementary students are in the old sanctuary, the youth has their own service, and the middle school does too. So everybody is separated into their own demographic and participates in a service geared specifically for them. Great, right? Not in my opinion.

What do we teach our children about the community of believers when they are never interacting with anybody other than their specific group? Families don't worship together. Other than Christmas Eve, our kids have rarely seen us sing and pray with the corporate body of the church. When the service is over we pick them up from their area, amidst a million other families, and go our merry way. I don't know the other children in my kids' classes, let alone their parents. After two years, isn't that pathetic? How can our children forge friendships with other Christian children if there is no time to get to know them? How can they see other families which share our same values in such an environment? They can't.

When people are baptized, the main sanctuary gets the feed showing it--it occurs outside in a baptismal fountain...remember, this is Florida where it's warm--but the kids, youth, etc. never see it. This is an important ceremony and is only celebrated by a partial congregation. It is a missed opportunity for the children. Instead of seeing people making life-changing decisions, they're doing business as usual.

Today we stayed for a church meeting which unveiled a plan for the church to go "multi-site". What that means is that, in another part of town, people would meet for church, watch a recorded DVD of the pastor's message, yet have their own worship band and "campus pastor".
The idea is to produce pretty much the same church, in a different location, through the use of technology.

We actually visited a church like this once. It was truly bizarre. The church went along as it normally would, except when it came time for the sermon. A white screen was then lowered down and we viewed a recording of the pastor at the main church campus speak. It was like being stuck in a theater watching a bad movie....and with no popcorn.

During the Q and A, I asked why the church was going in this direction instead of just starting an autonomous church plant as a sister/associated church. The pastor said it was a great question and proceeded to answer me with a not-so-great answer. Church plants fail 85% of the time. DH said later that a good follow-up question would have been to ask what percentage of "multi-site" campuses fail.

So why do I care?

I care because it shows that the church is committed to doing church in a very specific type of way. I excused a lot before simply because of the size of the church and the space constraints. Even though I knew it wasn't super-compatible with our family, I was willing to take what was offered because it was what it was. Now, it has become evident that, not only does this church run things this way because they have to, but because they prefer this model.

It's discouraging. I have never felt so out of touch with the way church is done. It seems to consistently rely upon convenience and technology instead of community and fellowship--the two things needed most by myself and many others.

Teaching I can get anywhere. Community....now that's something that is in short supply.

Music Stream of Consciousness

I'm making dinner--just mac and cheese tonight--and listening to a Fernando Ortega CD. Normally he's a little mellow for my taste, but this particular CD has several hymns on it that I love!

Be Thou My Vision has to be one of the hymns I came across later in my life that just always gets me...could be my Irish heritage...the use of thou and naught ...or maybe just the urge to kick it old school style, but it's one of my favorites.

This past Sunday we actually sang one of my other favorites during our worship time; Great Is Thy Faithfulness. It wasn't quite the same with a slow, electric guitar and keyboards, instead of the grand piano, but you take what you can get in a contemporary service sometimes.

I started mentally compiling a list of hymns I actually like and miss singing:

Be Thou My Vision
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Holy, Holy, Holy
It Is Well With My Soul
Immortal, Invisible
All Creatures of Our God and King
Fairest Lord Jesus
A Mighty Fortress Is Our God

That's all I could think of off the top of my head.

As I listened, I contemplated the roles of music in the church, remembering all those Baptist arguments that older people in the church would make against the use of modern worship and praise. Every once in a while I bump into a site, or person, that is still interested in fighting over what style of music is honoring to God and appropriate for church. I scratch my head and think, "Are we still arguing about this?"

Every hymn was new once upon a time. Every style of music was once considered strange and bizarre. Gregorian chant isn't going to make its way back into every day church life. But, I get it sometimes. When I enter church and the youth band is alt rockin' it out at a million decibels, I have a hard time feeling very worshipful. I guess that's just the way it is. You get older and start sounding like people you used to scoff at. heh.

Is worship music corny sometimes? yes. Is it mediocre sometimes? yes. But to those singing it is an expression of their heart however corny and mediocre it can be.

and speaking of mediocre

Occasionally, we will have dancers in the service--usually only for some special song or dramatic skit or something. It probably only happens about 2 or 3 times a year. I am not opposed to it in principle, but came up against some objections during our Christmas Eve service. There were four young teen girls dancing rather dramatically--except, they weren't very good. It was obvious two of them had actual dance experience, but one dancer in particular was completely lost and missing steps and just generally botching up her moves.

I felt bad for noticing...but it was hard not to notice.

I thought,"Wow...they should have held her out until she had practiced more." I caught myself and felt bad. After all, this was church, not American Idol. I wondered what I would have done if I had been the worship leader. Would I have called a young girl over and told her she wasn't very good, thereby completely crushing her....or would I grin and bear it and hope she pulled it out at the last minute?

Hmmm. That would be a choice I wouldn't want to make.

My next thought was that perhaps dancing just shouldn't be used simply because it is so visual that poorly executed dancing is far more noticeable than poorly executed singing. Both can be distracting, but the former is much more cringe-worthy. It requires a certain level of precision to be done well; precision that most local churches don't possess.

Is that too snarky?

Target Audience

While out traveling the county for my job, I noticed a billboard for a church and memorized the website. We are still ambivalent about the church we attend and have thought about visiting a few more, so I figured I would check out the website and see what this one was about.

Here's how it described itself:

R-- is a casual, contemporary, Christian church meeting at the ***** ****, Florida. Our service is designed specifically for college students, urban professionals and young families.

College students.....urban professionals.....young families.

I was taken aback by this simple sentence. Rarely does a church spell out , so specifically, who it is they want to attend their church. Churches often segregate themselves subconsciously; tending to be made up of the same ethnic, social, or economic demographic. Most of the time this happens because people tend to "congregate" with other people who are just like themselves. The same phenomena happens at school sometimes when there is a "jock" table, a "geek" table, a "black" table, and a "white" table in the lunchroom. No one says it has to be that way; it just happens.

So, churches are often skewed toward a particular population depending on their location and style.

What is interesting about this particular church is that it is located near some very poor neighborhoods. It is close to the downtown center of a large city. The residential areas surrounding this church are old homes which are populated almost entirely with minorities and lower-income families. They are not the "urban professionals" that this church seems to be looking for. A few miles away from the church are some high-rise condos that real-estate companies are desperately trying to unload in this bad housing market. They are upscale, expensive, and largely vacant.

The marketing style of the church is very edgy. Their ads are slick and their site is well-done. They are what most people would call "seeker-sensitive" or maybe "emergent". They describe their approach as "current as the newspaper". They want to be accessible to people...just so long as you're the kind of people they are looking for.


It's the wrong approach. You can't follow Jesus in a poor neighborhood and plan to design your service for people who don't actually live there.

It's a slap in the face to the people around them.

As I continue to drive through different neighborhoods for my job, I am struck by how often old, poor neighborhoods have boarded up churches. No one wants to minister there. All the big, active churches have moved away from the cities, out to where the subdivisions are...where things are "nicer"....where things are "safer".....where you can be sure that the congregation has enough money to pay the electric bill each month.

If you are going to plant a church to teach people about Jesus, you have no right to declare who your "target" audience is. Your audience is simply those who want to listen. Your audience is all who would like to worship Christ. Your audience is anyone and everyone.

Jesus ministered wherever he went. Whoever was closest to him was his audience. He went out to seek that which was lost, not those who made him feel "comfortable".

What's sad is that this church uses the term "relevant" to describe itself, but is completely irrelevant to the groups of people who are right next door to them.

Church Shopping 101

We didn't make it to our church yesterday. Even though we "gained" an hour from the time change, we couldn't drag ourselves out of bed to make it to the 9:00 am service in time. We huddled under the blankets and let the kids watch too much TV.

When we finally got up, we knew we wouldn't make it. Rather than go to the 10:45 service, we decided to check out a United Methodist church nearby. They had a contemporary service at 9:30, and we figured we could make it as long as we got ready quickly.

I really enjoyed it, but it left me thinking about what is important in a church body.

Looking at this unknown congregation, I started making my observations. Full service. Friendly people. Lots of families. Older people and younger people. People seem interested in the service, not drifting off or overly distracted. Communion served--yay! Music good. (really good! They had great musicians and singers)

I wasn't sure about the pastor because, as always happens when we visit a church, they had a guest speaker. I swear that has happened to us more times than I can count. We just looked at each other and laughed.

I felt good being in the church. I could see my family making connections there. I could imagine my kids making friends.

However, I also noticed some other things.

It was very white. And not just white, but a much more buttoned down white. Not overly stiff, just all khakified and button-down shirtified. I wondered how well an outsider who might be a little "different" might feel walking into such a church.

The guest speaker read a selected Scripture from Mark, and then proceeded to give a message incorporating the Tale of the Three Trees. Huh? I believe the United Methodist church usually has a scheduled portion of Scripture that is supposed to be read in a certain order throughout the year, so I get the reading. But, why veer off into a sermon using an illustration that isn't even Scriptural?

The sermon was actually pretty good despite being based on a folk tale. The speaker managed to weave in other Scriptures to make his point, so it wasn't completely off the wall. He delivered his message well. Still ....The Three Trees?

I brushed all that aside because he was just a guest after all, but I was left wondering about what was important to me in a church.

How important is the diversity of a church? How much weight should "comfortableness" have in making a decision about a church? What is the most important aspect to consider when choosing a church body with which to associate--the pastor, the worship, fellowship, outreach?

Maybe I could come up with a complicated equation to measure and weigh the various aspects of a church and give it a rating.

Let's see...you get a "9" for the worship..."1" for the corny jokes the pastor told..."7" for the friendliness factor..."5" for the decor--I mean, really, mauve is so 80's....and an "8" for the children's ministry because you stuffed my kids with Goldfish, sang "Pharoah, Pharoah, woah, woah, let my people go....yeah, yeah, yeah yeah", knocked down a wall of blocks to represent Jericho's wall and they were happy when I picked them up.

whaddya think?

God Is In The Details

I missed church last week. DH and I were celebrating our 10th, so we were out of town. As we sat over Indian food, with Bollywood musicals playing in the background, one of the things we talked about was our church. We both were dissatisfied with it. We liked the pastor. We felt comfortable there. The church is open to people. We like it, but we just don't feel connected to it for a variety of reasons. I, especially, have been struggling with the lack of connection that I feel to it.

I laid out some of those concerns in my post, Children of the I-God, grieving over the separateness created by taking communion individually and the influx of technology and polished presentations.

So today, as I hurried the kids into their classes and dashed to the service, I had no great expectations. I just hoped that my inner critic would shut up long enough for me to get something meaningful from my time in church.

During one of the first songs, I began to settle myself; purse here, Bible there, look over the bulletin quickly, stand up, begin singing. When the song was over, someone near the front of the sanctuary bumped into one of the cameras that tapes the service and broadcasts it onto screens on either end of the large room, allowing everyone to see no matter how far they are from the front. It came crashing down in dramatic fashion during the announcements. After a brief check to make sure no one was hurt, the announcements continued while people scurried about to set things right.

Right after the announcements, the worship leader cued the music and began telling everyone that we would be taking communion together, as a community, as a way showing unity within the entire body.

In a flash, sudden recognition/revelation/meaning washed over me in a flood. I began to laugh and cry at the same time. Silent tears. I remembered what I had written..the suggestion for a mishap during the service, the hope that my church would recognize the importance of community during communion. I felt a gentle nudge from the God who was willing to share an inside joke with me. A reminder that He can speak to me in the smallest of things, which bear no significance for others.

It seems silly to say that God spoke to me through a crashing camera and a policy change.

The last week we had been in church, I had come home depressed and spent a long time composing a letter about my opinions about all that was happening. It was a rehash of Children of the I-God, in letter form. I was determined to send it to my pastor.....except I didn't. I couldn't overcome the feeling that it would just be a letter of criticism that would be discouraging to the leadership; just one more whiny diatribe from a disgruntled member. I folded it up and set it aside, thinking I might eventually send it.

This morning, God reminded me that He knows what I am struggling with. He knows my heart and what I am longing for. He has given me hope for my church and my place in it, all through an accident-prone person and a rethinking of the way things are done.

Thank You God, for that first drop of rain.

Women--source of all trouble.

Recently, I have been involved in a few blog comment threads, on two separate blogs, that have uncovered a long-dormant issue in me with regards to the place of women in the Church. Neither post had originally been about that particular issue, but through the course of comments, gender was brought into the discussion in not so subtle ways. The sad thing is; it didn't need to be.

Over at Imonk, a post on Joel Osteen brought these gems to light.

In a list, describing what type of Christians would actually buy what Osteen is selling, imonk says:

E. You’re a woman who is attracted to Osteen. You think he’d be a great son, son in law or grandson. Who could criticize such a sweet boy.

When I confronted him with that statement, by saying I found it offensive because of its implication that somehow women were more pre-disposed to being taken in by the likes of Osteen, the response was less than thrilling:

Evangelicalism is overwhelmingly dominated by women and women are the majority of the supporters of the prosperity Gospel movement. That’s not because of a gender flaw. It’s just the facts.

I replied with a long list of men who are the major proponents of the prosperity gospel, pointing out that they are , in fact, men...not women. He responded:

I’m sure you are aware that Christianity is largely led by men, but congregations, etc are predominantly women. That’s true in every denomination. More in some than others, but evangelicalism is made up mostly of churches full of women. Same with the tv audiences, parachurch movements.

T.D. Jakes. A man leading a huge movement predominantly made up of women.

I am aware of the male leadership of most of Christianity. I wasn’t referring to leaders.

and then:

I’m with Wilson: It’s men’s fault that evangelicalism is feminized in so many ways. That’s not blaming women.

and last, but not least:

I refuse to ignore the fact that the new prosperity gospel’s audience is primarily female. I will not ignore the Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, Paula White, etc audience. This is Osteen’s audience, and they are significantly more female than male.

aaaargh!

I find this type of reasoning completely frustrating.

First, in most conservative churches, women are not permitted to be involved with leadership at the pastoral level. They might be Children's Ministers, Missions Coordinators, prayer partners, and maybe, if the leadership is relatively OK with women, they might actually lead worship. In evangelical churches women are allowed to go to just about any level, except for the ultimate leadership positions of pastor and/or elders. These are reserved specifically for men in the interpretation that most churches use.

Some extremely conservative church-goers would say that having a woman in leadership is completely unbiblical, and that they are not equipped to handle such things. That is not the point I want to get into here, because it would take too long for me to expound on that and the various interpretations that people hold across the spectrum.

Here's the thing. If women lead, they are faulted and disparaged. Yet, if women follow, they're also faulted and disparaged, even if they are following men. The argument, that men don't go to church or aren't as involved in church as women because Christianity has been feminized, lays blame at the feet of women. Somehow we have gotten too involved in evangelicalism and have spoiled it. False doctrines are preached and charlatans advanced because we are so simple as to not be able to discern the truth. We are virtually driving the men away.

What a shame.

I never knew my presence as a woman was so powerful and damaging.

OK. So let's get this straight. I can't lead properly. I can't follow properly; what with all the estrogen ruining my thinking process. So what is left for me?

Now, I personally don't know Imonk, and I am not saying that I think he is completely sexist, because I don't think he is making a conscious effort to insult women. I do think that men, Christian ones in particular, don't realize how completely condescending their remarks can be.

How can we blame women for the demise of sound teaching if they aren't the ones who put this wheel into motion? Saying that women are to blame for being an audience is as ridiculous as saying that black people, or poor people are to blame for being an audience. It's probably closer to the truth to say that hurting people are the primary audience; people who are struggling financially or emotionally because of life's circumstances. The prosperity gospel is appealing because it promises earthly comforts, not because it appeals to a specifically female audience. People will grab at hope, even if it's based on a falsehood.

Second, saying that men are somehow to blame for not stepping in and rescuing us women from ourselves, and our diminished thinking capacity, is a backhanded way of blaming women. Once again, we can't seem to prevent ourselves from falling into the clutches of nefarious people because men weren't taking the leadership to stop us. So yes, Imonk and others may say they really blame men, but only because of the subconscious belief that we are spiritually lost without them.

Well...that's enough from my inner feminist. I can't let her get too riled up. After all, she is the mother of two boys and a committed wife to one man, so I'll refrain from castigating the whole group.

I may write more about this later....maybe not.

Children of the I-God

The church I attend is a typical, large, evangelical church. It's contemporary, technically savvy, and relatively young; demographically speaking. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I appreciate its openness. It does its best to be accessible to modern culture...and therein lies my criticism.

The heavy reliance on modern media concerns me. We have incredible lighting. We have slick bulletins that tie into a huge graphic displayed behind the worship musicians. It changes every six weeks as the pastor develops new preaching series. We have specially produced video bits that are comical, entertaining, and convey the point of the message about to be preached. We have occasional dramatic skits. We use every piece of technology known to man.

I worry that as people come through the doors, our church will seem like merely one more performance or show, a thing to be observed, not partaken of. I know that is the furthest thing from what the leadership wants, and by which they are motivated, but it still floats in the back of my mind.

But, what can you say? Hey, maybe the lighting should be a little more crappy. Or, maybe the worship leader should sing off-key every once in a while. Perhaps, the pastor could trip and fall on stage. You know, just to remind everybody that they're humble people and following Jesus has nothing to do with looking good, being "perfect", or producing "a really good show"--as Ed Sullivan would say.

The church has made some strides in trying to incorporate a more worshipful attitude. They have recently set up areas throughout the sanctuary where people can pray, take communion, write down prayer requests, etc. The concept is to allow people time to participate during the last part of the service as the congregation is singing. People can stay where they are and sing, or move to one of the other areas if they desire to worship in a different way. The idea is to offer opportunities for people to worship in a way that is meaningful to them.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have always missed communion when it is only offered sporadically in evangelical churches. Having it available every week should have been an improvement.

I haven't taken it since it has been offered in this manner. For some reason, I kept avoiding it. Each Sunday would come and go and still I wasn't using the opportunity that I had, and I wasn't sure why. I couldn't come up with a reason other than thinking that it "didn't feel right".

Today, when we reached that part of the service, I realized why.

Our large church, in an effort to make things easy and convenient in a church of a couple thousand people, had turned communion into a Self-Serve station. Instead of it being given purposely and deliberately to the entire congregation, eaten at the same time, unifying the whole congregation in a simple action, it had become something to take or leave like an ala carte menu item. We had transformed communion from a communal act to an individual act.

As I thought about this, it reminded me of the choir rehearsal I had attended a couple of weeks beforehand. The worship leader had set up a computer specifically for the purpose of collecting prayer requests from the choir members. The requests would be sent to everyone on the choir e-mail list in order for them to prayed over. I am sure it seemed like a convenient way to deal with the possibility of dozens of prayer requests without having to use up half an hour of choir rehearsal time--an already brief span of 90 minutes.

Are these technical and stylistic innovations sinful? I would say, not necessarily.

Are they wise? I would say, emphatically, no.

The more we infuse our techno-savvy tendencies into our churches, the more we lose the sense of a cohesive community. In a culture which already lacks a sense of wider community, and carries a strong sense of individuality, these innovations take us one step further from each other. A single sentence prayer request, prayed for anonymously, does nothing to establish a relationship between the person praying and the person being prayed for. There is no chance to hug that person, look them in the eye, speak to them clearly, and encourage them with your presence.

Providing chances for individuals to partake of different worship opportunities all at the same time, appeals to our uniqueness, but it focuses our worship clearly on ourselves and what we are feeling in that particular moment. We lose the rapport of being of one accord if we're all doing different things. We lose the ability to forget about ourselves and meditate on Christ and His Body, the church.

We have become children of the I-God, shuffling through the various tunes that we want to hear, oblivious to those around us as we move to our own beat, separated and withdrawn into our own minds and preferences.

Lost In A Crowd

I haven't blogged much about my personal faith lately. I have a list of excuses reasons. It's hard to focus with the kids home all day. Other people do it better than I could. It's personal....etc.

The truth is that my soul is still hemorrhaging from leaving our church two years ago. I bandage and duct tape the wound, stopping the bleeding long enough to get on with life, but every once in a while the bandage becomes soaked and I have to peel it off in order to slap a new one on it. It's painful and infected.

But what can I do?

I can't change the past and know that we couldn't have stayed, but the pain and the questions that flooded my heart are still here...waiting for an answer that might never come.

We have "assimilated" into a new church, one big enough to get lost in as we recovered. Two years later and I'm still lost in the thousand or so people that show up every Sunday. The church has two services and is at capacity for each one. As a result, they don't offer Sunday School. Instead, people are encouraged to join home groups that meet throughout the week in various homes for Bible Study and fellowship. There are dozens to choose from. Up until just recently, it has been impossible for us to join any of them. And now that we can even ponder such a thing, we would still have to overcome the obstacles of my husband's late work hours and child care. It's very complicated and uncertain about whether it will be tenable for us.

Every Sunday I sit in the same row and listen to the pastor, sing songs, and contribute financially, but I feel so far from church. As we drove to church on this sunny morning, I was enveloped in a cloud as I wondered when the last time was that someone had prayed with me and for me. When was the last time I could share my burdens with a fellow Christian? When was the last time that I had been able to pray for someone outside of my family? I can't remember. The size of the church, that had seemed so appealing to our weary souls, has now become an obstacle, an empty shell filled with unconnected hearts.

It's not the fault of the church. They are not purposely thwarting my spiritual life. They do some things very well, but for every advantage of a large church there is a disadvantage. Some things just can't be done by a large church.

After all, what is church anyway?

Worship and teaching are important, but in a culture where it is so readily available in hundreds of forms, it is really the fellowship of believers that is most needed. Teaching reaches the mind, connection reaches the heart. Prayer, encouragement, and genuine caring are what the body was meant for. Everything useful in Christendom is derived from these and eventually returns to them.

I bear some responsibility for where I am. I haven't tried exceptionally hard to overcome the pain that lingers just beneath the surface. Frankly, I've just been too d@#! tired to even give it an honest effort. I won't lay blame solely with others.

Choir rehearsals begin next month. I'll go and try to integrate once again into a more connected role. I am hoping to reclaim worship. I lost it when we left our old church. As part of the worship team there, I would sing each Sunday and be able to focus more on the actual act of worshipping, even more so than when I was in the congregation. When we left, each song we sang in another church--with me lost in the congregation--was just a reminder of what we had left behind. Instead of feeling worshipful, I would only feel sorrow at what was past, reminded of the people and and fellowship we had lost.

hoping for peace

My Blog Title and Deeper Meanings

Two years ago, our family suffered a huge loss. We left the church that we had come to love and cherish. I had been a part of the worship team, our kids loved participating in Awana, my husband and I had grown to care deeply about our fellow members. I can honestly say that it was the best church experience that I had ever had. Everyone was genuine, authentic, and really loved God. We felt welcome and very at home, a family of believers.

The last two years we spent in this church consisted of a slow, gradual questioning. The pastor, who was an excellent teacher, probably one of the best I have ever heard, had been exposed to some new teaching on deliverance. He had felt greatly impacted by this ministry and methodically began to try and integrate some of his new beliefs into the church. It didn't begin with a lightning bolt or a thundering voice; it merely crept into things in the same way that water slowly seeps into every empty crevice it finds.

As a result of the teaching, the congregation was split into several groups: those who agreed with all of it, those who disagreed and felt there was no biblical basis for it, and those who were of a non-confrontational nature, unwilling to think too much about it either way.

Through a series of congregational meetings, that were set up as Q&A sessions, the church was informed that any new elders would be required to assent to this new doctrinal twist in order to be accepted as elders. Agreement on this teaching was compulsory. This agreement was also compulsory for those who wished to "officially" be a part of the prayer team that would be praying for people on Sunday mornings and during Wednesday night intercessory prayer meetings. All of this was couched in lengthy reassurances that anybody could pray for anyone else, and those who were in disagreement would not be looked down upon in any way. Whenever the pastor was questioned about the biblical basis for these new beliefs, he would avoid answering the questions, and instead suggest that the questioner stop by his office to go over it in more detail. He responded that way at least three or four times, refusing to give an answer in front of everybody.

Unease spread through the congregation as people began to watch what they said and to whom they said it, unsure if those they spoke with were in the "accepting" or "rejecting" group. Those who were non-confrontational made coffee and chatted about the weather.

Such tense, unspoken currents could only last so long before erupting.

Things culminated in the "discipline" of a church member who was asked to leave and not come back. He and the pastor had had many run-ins over the years. Most could be chalked up to completely opposite personalities and lack of insight into the other person's motivations. J. had been a vocal opponent to this new teaching, but he had not been rude or outwardly hostile.

We found out about his "ex-communication" the Saturday before it was to happen from other church members. Uncertain if something so outrageous could be true, I called the elder I knew best, who led the worship team I was a part of, and asked him if it was true.

"Yes," he said. "It is."

After a beat of shock and surprise swept over me, I went into full questioning mode. Why? How? What did this mean?

If he had said, J. is an adulterer....an embezzler...an abuser, or anything else that would allow for the biblical steps of church discipline, there could have been a chance that we might still be at our old church. The Bible allows for casting out a member who is in unrepentant sin, with the qualification that they would be welcomed back if they chose to repent. However, there was no sin that they could provide for justification. He and the pastor simply did not get along, and the pastor had become so focused on his love for this new teaching, that he was willing to take this drastic step to remove J. as an obstacle. He was never offered any return of reconciliation.

I asked my elder friend, in a very frustrated, panicked voice, "Do you realize that families will leave over this?" I thought, "Surely, they just haven't thought this through. They'll change their minds if they think about it."

His response was that they were OK with that. WHAT??!! They were OK with splitting the church over the unbiblical removal of a member.

We knew we couldn't stay. We got up the next morning and somberly dressed and ate breakfast. We prayed that by the time the service was over, they would have realized the folly of this decision and decided against removing him. They didn't.

At the end of the service, one of the elders stood up and read a prepared statement from our pastor. It was very diplomatic and went on and on about how the relationship between these two men was beyond repair, and yet they wished him well....yada, yada, yada. It was disingenuous and untruthful. We stood up and walked out the doors, never to pass through them again.

It was like a brutal divorce, one you didn't want, but couldn't prevent. I cried for months as we visited churches, singing songs with strangers that I once sang in worship with people we knew and loved. I went over and over everything in my mind, wondering if we made the right choice. Time and time again I would come to the same depressing conclusion, that we couldn't have made any other.

The church had veered into some dubious teachings, but we could have worked through that. After all, no church has a congregation that is in 100% agreement about every doctrinal tenet. But this decision to remove a man with no defense, no just cause, and the willingness to sacrifice the loss of many other people for it, was more than we could bear. We had lost trust in the leadership; these men who we knew so well. If they were willing to assent to our pastor's wish on this issue--to further his agenda--then where would it stop?

The church split. Many of the members who left wound up at another church, simply by chance. It was larger and easy to hide in as we licked the wounds of our heart.

I turned inward and withdrew from God; not really God, so much as trying to discern His hand in the mess we had landed in. I was having difficulty understanding how someone I had known and trusted, someone who was an incredible teacher, could have deviated so far from God's Word and taken such drastic action to achieve the effect that he wanted. It messed with my head.

All I could remember was the parable of the wheat and the tares.

God sowed good seed. His adversary sowed bad seed. They grew together until it became evident what had happened, but it was too late to fix. The good and bad were intertwined. Removing one would kill the other. The fate of the wheat was bound up with the tares; intricately tangled roots, offering a loving embrace from one, a death grip from the other.

more later.