Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm totally bummed because I haven't been able to train for my 5K at all this week. I thought my sore hip was a result of the crazy garage sale weekend  from a few weeks ago and the training I've been doing.

Now, I think I have pinched a nerve. When things didn't seem to be getting better, I decided to take a few days off from working out. I was sure that was all I needed. It's getting to be close to a week and I'm still having pain that comes and goes depending on how I  move my leg.

Unfortunately I can never quite tell what range of motion will set it off. I'll be mid-sentence, walking through the house, and then let out a huge yelp.  

The only silver lining is that I now know my kids will come running to help me if I ever fall and can't get up. Every time I let an unpredictable groan escape my lips The Rationalist runs up to me with a worried expression and asking if I'm OK.

It's good to have someone who'll call 911 if they find you lying on the floor.

In the midst of this, I keep recognizing that cancer has made me a hypochondriac. Pain in my hip...that must be metastasis to my hip bones from breast cancer. The dizzy spell I experienced a week and a half ago....that must be brain mets.

It's crazy.  I know it's crazy and very unlikely.  I know it's crazy, very unlikely and statistically against the odds in my particular case......but that doesn't stop the fleeting thoughts from passing through my head.

Hopefully the crazy will pass as I get further and further away from active cancer treatment.  It probably won't ever completely disappear because every day for the next five years I will be reminded by my daily Tamoxifen pill, and the hot flashes it causes. Yet, as aches and pains take their normal course over time, I might be able to begin to trust that my body isn't trying to sabotage me.

You know what they say, though:"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that someone's not out to get me."

Yeah....the crazy will pass.

1 comment:

Assistant Village Idiot said...

Yes, it will get better as you get farther away. Human beings have adapted by dint of an often unwarranted optimism. Even Eeyore's like me find themselves disbelieving in crises. We are wired for a fairly consistent amount of worry, and just move it from one place to another.