Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I'm still alive.  

No major crises have kept me from blogging. I just seemed to have lost my e-voice for a while. I would get online, look through things, and sit with a blank stare on my face.

What should I say? What should I write?  Does it really matter in the scheme of things?  Am I going to spark some insight or change in the world that hasn't already been sparked?  Am I going to utter wisdom that has never been heard before? Am I going to bring forth an idea that hadn't previously been formed?

If anyone could turn blogging into existential angst...it would be me.

Sometimes I need to get over myself....always searching for the purpose of things which don't need any purpose.

Whenever I have taken personality quizzes, I wind up with some weird, wacky result, or so neutral that I can't be quantified. Once my personality was described as a type of person who would loyally perform the duties set before them and then, once the obligations were met, would abandon everything to go live on a mountain and paint.

Well...I don't paint, but there was some truth to the idea of soldiering on until I was free to do whatever I wanted and everyone else could go hang after that.  A. Small. Nugget. Of. Truth. 

Then there was the personality test that said I was like Gandhi; whatever that means.  Actually, it said that my type was a confounding personality, capable of surprising even it's closest friends and family of many years.  Private and public.  Serious and humorous. Simple and complicated.  I guess that's not too far from the elderly mountain painter who abandons everything she spent her whole life working on in order to be free on some mountaintop.

Of course, that might all be bunk.  I'm probably a very simple person with delusions of mystery.

Either way, I'm too self-obsessed.  Blogging feeds that.  Even though I'm not aiming for any acclaim for my blog, there still lingers the question of why I feel that the trifling things I do say are in a public forum, and not hidden away in a leather-bound journal tucked into a nightstand.

I'm thinking of reworking my blog.  This past year it's been more of a diary, keeping track of the ups and downs of my personal life.  I probably won't completely stop that.  It's nice to be able to look back at pictures of the kids and remember some of the things they've said.  I'm glad to have a record of  my thoughts about this past year.

However, I think I'd like to do something a little more structured and thoughtful.  I might change this blog, or simply start a new one.  I want to spend more time writing about something other than myself.

I'm not sure where that will take me...or if it will be like a New Year's Resolution that I never fulfill.

I'll let you know.

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