Friday, March 21, 2008

Unique. Special. Overachiever.

That must be what I am. Why else would every time the words,"99% of the time, it's nothing," are spoken would my body feel the need to respond, "Oh yeah?!"

It has happened at every stage of this journey.

"Oh..it's probably just a cyst."

"Oh...I'm sure it will come back normal."

"Everything looks good."

"Only 1 in 100 times do we have the final labs show something different"

And yet those damn pathologists feel the need to ferret out every little piece of information they can find in my body to say,"Not so!"

My final labs came back...the ones that 99% of the time show exactly the same thing as the preliminary labs. Once again I have fallen into that 1% margin of exceptionality. They found a few, microscopic cells that came back positive for breast cancer. Maybe five or ten years ago they wouldn't have had this accurate of a test to find such a small amount and my lymph nodes would have been deemed cancer-free. I would do radiation, tamoxifen as a preventative, and would have gotten on with life. Now, there is a stronger possibility that I will have to go through chemo, something I really haven't wanted to endure.

Chemo.

Chemo means I'll probably have to quit my job.

Chemo means medical bills will become an issue because of the loss of my income.

Chemo means I won't be able to to take care of the kids, or myself, by myself.

Chemo means I'll feel sick and might lose my hair.

Chemo takes this battle out of my scheduled, controlled hands and puts me at the mercy of toxic chemicals.

Up to this point, I've been viewing this whole thing as a sort of cancer-lite. The tumor was so small. It almost seemed weird to tell people I had breast cancer. It seemed more like I was having an ugly mole removed...an unsightly wart. No muss, no fuss. A little radiation just to be safe and bada bing, bada boom...back to normal life.

The fact that at every turn my doctors find just a little more to worry about has become frustrating to me....just a few small spots on the MRI....just a few cells in the lymph nodes...just a small possibility that things might be worse.

Knowing is better than not knowing, but the uncertainty of what it all means is weighing heavily upon me as I try to see down the road ahead.

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