Entitlement and Women's Work

A couple of weeks before Christmas I participated in some troll-baiting at Assistant Village Idiot's blog. One of the links he put up led to an article in which a blogger, towards the end of a post on various topics, declared that 70-80% of entitlement spending programs, like Social Security and Medicare, are simply transfers of wealth from men to women.

Men pay into the system, women reap the benefits.

I made some mild comment about the post needing a warning label that certain people's heads(mine, in particular) might explode upon reading such a post. That was all an anonymous commenter and aforementioned troll needed to begin personally insulting me. And, knowing from the outset the type of person I was dealing with, I engaged in some rhetorical, obnoxious troll-baiting. At times, I tried to comment fairly and seriously....but, as anyone who's been using the internet for more than 20 minutes can tell you, it was all for naught.

It's impossible to talk reasonably with unreasonable people.

I won't go into the entire discussion because I tediously repeated my points ad nauseum already on AVI's post.

However, the discussion did spark some more reflections on the nature of the relationship between men, women and finances.

My troll conversation partner stated that most wealth belonged to men. I asked how those men's wives and daughters would feel about such a statement, and he, in the midst of other things, glancingly referred to the sense of entitlement that my comment implied.

I had to think about that for a minute. Do I feel that women are entitled to the wealth their male partners produce? In today's day and age, many women work and have their own assets. They are not necessarily beholden to men for their financial well-being.

On the other hand, a woman like me, who has stayed home for many years raising children , or worked part-time in order to facilitate the family's needs and provide stability and a constant parental presence in the home, depends greatly on her husband to provide for her and the family.

When DH and I had children we had already decided that I was going to stay home in order to take care of them. This was a mutual decision. At first it was very uncomfortable for me. I was used to paying my own way for things and contributing financially to our marriage/family. I paid my own way through college, bought my own car as a teenager, and had been providing for myself since high school. Learning to be financially dependent upon someone else was disconcerting to me.

And it showed. I felt very constrained about spending money. DH and I are not big spenders anyway, but I still felt self-conscious, at first, about buying a new shirt, or a pair of jeans, or a book at the bookstore. In the beginning it felt as if all the money was DH's money and I was some hanger-on asking, "Please, sir...can I have some more?"

DH never made me feel this way....it was just how I felt because of not feeling as if I had any control over the situation and thinking that I wasn't making a real contribution to the family.

I knew that what I was doing was important, but I hadn't yet realized my worth.

I no longer worry about those types of things. When you have been married for a good length of time and have raised your children together and been through family and health crises together....you realize that marriage and family is all about partnership, working together to build something of value.

In the midst of this partnership you come to the realization that "equality" does not mean that at any particular point in time in a relationship that both parties have completely equal burdens and responsibilities and benefits. There is no such thing as a 50-50 relationship. Life precludes it. Many times it is an 80-20 relationship, or a 0-100 relationship. The hope is that those times of inequality flip-flop and the partner who has formerly contributed "more" will be on the receiving end.

To be comfortable with the inevitable inequalities in relationships, you have to trust the person with whom you are in partnership. They have to be reliable and responsible and aiming for the same goal, one that is larger than one person's particular satisfaction. In the context of such a relationship, "mine" and "yours" fades away. There is only "ours" or "the family's".

In that vein...I do feel "entitled"(though that word has negative connotations for me) to my "husband's" wealth...because I don't see it as his. We are working together. He brings in the most money....I provide our family a maternal glue that holds us together. The loss of either of us would devastate our family.....financially and emotionally.

When my husband gives up "his" wealth and I give up "my" opportunities to get my own wealth, we all benefit.

Dying to self, in the service of something greater than oneself, inevitably brings oneself something even better.

Self-sacrifice is ultimately self-serving...in a good way.

maybe more on this later....

Geek Romance

DH and I qualify as geeks and when he sent this to me via e-mail, I smiled.

Who needs schmaltzy love ballads!?

Petty

Yesterday, I stormed out of the house completely irritated with DH. It was one of those stupid, maddeningly benign moments that transforms into an argument for no reason other than the underlying cantankerousness of each of us has decided to bubble up to the surface.

I slammed the door on my way out to the car, fuming as I hurried to get to where I was going.

After fifteen minutes of driving and stewing, I began to feel badly and figured I should call DH and try to make peace over the incredibly dumb argument. I reached into my purse with my free hand and grabbed the phone. As soon as I touched it, it began to vibrate.

DH was calling me...with the same idea of apologizing and making peace.

I should have been amused that our marital ESP was operating and we were both thinking and acting on the same thoughts.

Instead, I was irritated. In a split second, I decided to throw the phone back into my purse rather than answer it.

I was mad, for no good reason, that he was calling to make up....even though that was exactly what I had wanted.

People are funny.

p.s. I did call him back later and apologize.

Happy Anniversary!

Twelve years ago DH and I stood up and promised ourselves to each other.

We merged our lives into one life.

This made us very happy.

So we expanded our lives by two.

.

You can still see the love in his eyes...no?

Happy anniversary DH!

DH and I don't exactly have the best track record for working together on projects around the house. Putting up blinds, painting walls and patching drywall could land us in divorce court infinitely more easily than an affair or financial issues ever could. We're able to work well in almost every other area of our lives, but put a hammer or screwdriver in our hands and suddenly communication breaks down and becomes a series of grunts and irritated sighs.

We butt heads. We're too much alike. We both are take-charge kind of people.

To surmount this marital obstacle, we usually delegate projects and only work on things jointly that are simply impossible to do alone. However, after almost 12 years of marriage, we may have finally conquered our territorial leanings.

We repaired the duct work in our attic.....ourselves....together...without a single argument....with nary a bad mood.

We have either evolved, or simply gotten too old to care about fighting.

Marriage As A Contract

Assistant Village Idiot has a post up about same-sex marriage which is pretty good at trying to tease out arguments for, or against it. While commenting there, I was reminded that our concept of marriage is frequently out of sync with the bare bones of what marriage is--a legal and financial contract.

While we frequently think of marriage as the beginning of a relationship between two people who love each other, it is hard to deny to cold reality that marriage is an agreement to be contractually bound to one another. Love, honor and cherish sound romantic and sweet, but there's a reason in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part is in the vows. We are committing ourselves to an obligation that cannot be overruled by changing circumstances.

I think it's fair to say that divorce rates have sky-rocketed over the last few decades, not because people are less faithful than they were in the past, but because marriage has been understood as an arrangement purely for the sake of love. When those loving feelings disappear, then why continue to be married?

You can see this in the way popular culture portrays the weight of entering marriage. The doubts we hear voiced concern themselves with whether a person can love someone forever, or be sexually faithful to one person exclusively. Emotionally, that's important. Yet, that's not the real point of marriage.

The core of marriage is strengthened by the fact that a couple has legal and financial rights which are upheld by the legal system of a particular society. The protections not only guard the rights of the couple as a unit, but obligate the spouses to one another in the case of shared assets, inheritance rights, providing for future children and providing care for a spouse who has become disabled or ill.

In the past 40 years, divorce has become an economic luxury.  Because women have gained more access to legal rights and economic opportunities, it has become easier for them to divorce without the fear of poverty or destitution.  In the past, divorce was a huge financial risk for women. They had few options, especially if they had children.  

The recent decline in divorces as the economy has soured backs up the notion of divorce as an economic luxury.  People have been sticking it out, unable to divorce because of the financial strain.

Of course, this doesn't mean that the people who aren't divorcing are happy.

Then again, marriage isn't about happiness.....as any married couple can tell you.(cover your ears DH!)

I'm kidding...but only partly.  Marriage isn't about "happiness".  It's about choosing to build a life together. It's a partnership. It's having shared goals and using the commitment given to one another to reach those goals.  

I have often wondered why people choose to live together for years, and yet never marry. They will share income, have kids, stay sexually faithful to their partners, but never quite pull the trigger on marriage. They'll say things like "it's just a piece of paper" when questioned, which gives the impression that they view themselves as being "married" in an emotional, love-oriented way.

But...they're not married.  What's the difference?  They haven't obligated themselves financially to one another. They can at any moment leave their partners with very few financial repercussions. A man or woman can decide after ten years to break up with their partner and sell a house which is solely in their name, leaving no recourse for their partner.  They can take any assets they choose, unless the partner can prove they have some claim to the assets, a difficult thing to do when you have co-mingled your finances without being married.

When a couple is married, almost all assets are considered marital assets.  Even a home in the name a single partner must be distributed equally, unless it can be proven that the home was owned free and clear before the marriage.

Marriage is much more than a piece of paper...it's a piece of paper with enormous power.

I wonder if we counseled more young couples on the economic commitments of marriage if we would do any better at preserving the seriousness of marriage.  If we really want to see marriage strengthened, we would increase the benefits of being married, and lessen benefits extended to domestic, heterosexual partnerships.  

If you want the government to bless your love union, then you should be expected to financially obligate yourself to preserving it. If marriage has a high cost associated with it, chances are that those entering into it will think twice before doing so recklessly, or divorcing so easily.

In some ways, granting Same-Sex Marriage may help turn the tide on divorce and co-habitation because all legal rights would be available to anyone who chooses to marry.  Anyone choosing to simply co-habitate would have no case for claiming discrimination by health insurance companies or the government. 

Ruining My Own Surprise

Just before my diagnosis, DH and I were thinking about buying a treadmill. We researched eleventy-jazillion of them, checking out all the different brands, specs and consumer ratings. I had decided which one I wanted, and was about to go forward with the purchase, when everything started happening with me and the breast cancer question.

We put off the decision until we knew what would be happening. Spending $1,000 on a decent treadmill didn't seem wise in the face of future medical bills. I was disappointed.

Now, faced with a mastectomy and chemo, I feel even more convicted about losing weight and getting in better shape. Chemo actually causes most people to put on weight, partly from being less active...what with all the throwing up and resting from fatigue...and partly because of the effects it has on the body. I don't need to add extra weight on top of what I already have, and I need to be as physically healthy as possible when all this starts.

So....the other night I say,"Honey, I know we decided not to to do the treadmill thing, but I think I might go ahead and get one anyway. I think it's important."

DH got very quiet,"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because that's what I was going to do for Mother's Day!" he said smiling. "I had already decided it."

After a moment of shock, I gave him a big hug.

I knew there was some reason I kept that guy around here.

P.S...because I totally ruined my surprise, I get to have my treadmill sooner. No sense waiting an extra month.

Restful Weekend

DH and I were privileged enough to stay at a Bed and Breakfast in St. Petersburg this weekend to celebrate our 10 Year anniversary. Thanks go to my in-laws, who are so gracious to treat us to these luxuries; things that we would normally never be able to enjoy on our own budget. What can I say? They're nice people!

Here's a few pics:









Before checking in, we stopped at a local "winery" which really wasn't a winery in the sense of acres upon acres of vineyards. Instead, it was a place where they produce a variety of non-traditional wines made from a citrus fruit base and other various juices and flavors. We were able to sample about eight different wines, ranging from a mango wine all the way through to an orange/coffee wine called Midnight Sun. It sounds worse than it tastes! I actually liked it, although it was a strange combination of flavors to get used to.

We wound up purchasing a bottle of wine made from coconut, pineapple and orange flavors...yummy pina colada!

After exploring the winery, we headed over to the Bed and Breakfast to check in. The room was beautiful, though I would have liked warmer colors than the cool blue. The bed was enormous with a huge, elevated, carved headboard, something I would imagine seeing in a castle or museum. The bathroom was impeccable and featured a whirlpool tub that could probably fit a small country within its cavernous depths.

After check-in we hit the streets of St. Petersburg, browsing through artsy shops and listening to a cover band rockin' out to The Eagles and Bon Jovi. One of the art stores we entered had the coolest metal sculptures that I SO would have bought if I had $300 to spend a superfluous sculpture that amused me. Alas, I don't have that kind of money so I took some pictures. Only one turned out well.


I'm a dog person.

For dinner, we walked to a local Indian restaurant and were treated to a delicious chicken curry and warm, freshly baked naan. mmmm. naan. I wish we had an Indian restaurant near us! I am so jealous of you St. Petersburg!

I have more to write about, but this post is already dragging on with all sorts of details that probably bore everybody else in the known universe.

more later.

gift

I think I found the perfect gift that fits with the ten-year anniversary theme of aluminum!

I can't say what it is because DH is spying on my blog! :-)

You'll find out later!....Now get back to work earning us those big bucks! hehehe

Free Day

I got the day off today because the person I was supposed to be training called in sick. Bad for her, good for me. I have a ton of stuff I need to get done around the house. My mother-in-law is coming over this weekend to watch the kids so that DH and I can get away for a day or two to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.[ Wow. 10 years--feels like 50! -just kidding DH! ;-) ]

Anyway, I need to do some serious cleaning so as not to be embarrassed by having someone else here. I am not a neat-freak, but the house is usually not a chaotic mess either...well, most of the time that is. When someone is going to actually be preparing meals in your house, using the shower, and maybe using the washing machine, it requires a much more serious approach than pulling the shower curtain closed to hide the mildew that's trying to take over. It also means wiping down the fridge and the microwave really well, so that I can pretend that the soda that spilled in there about a month ago and congealed into a crusty mess was never really there.

I also want to paint the master bathroom. Master bathroom, that's funny. It's actually more like a small closet with a toilet and some bathroom mats. Regardless, it looks really bad. Before we bought the house, it had been a rental property. When we saw it with our realtor it looked great; new carpet, vinyl floors and paint. It was empty and ready for us to move in. The problem, that we discovered later, was that in both bathrooms the drywall where the towel racks hung had obviously been broken and repaired numerous times. It looked OK on the surface, but we couldn't actually hang anything on the walls. They had been too abused and the repairs were made with patch kits, not new drywall.

We ran into the same problem around the windows. So many people had hung various window treatments over the years that there wasn't a solid place for us to hang ours. We had to hire someone to repair them so that we could cover our windows with something other than aluminum foil.

Aluminum. That reminds me . Last night when I asked DH what the gift theme was for the ten-year anniversary, he told me it was aluminum and tin.

Aluminum and tin. I guess he'll get a beer, soda, or maybe a disposable pie plate from the grocery store. And don't even get me started on tin. Are cans still even made from tin?

If anyone has any great gift ideas made from aluminum and tin...let me know.

DH suggested an I-Mac with a burnished aluminum finish.

Sure sweetie, keep believing the dream. One day you'll get your Mac.

Coffee--The Beverage of Marital Discord

When you have been married for more than a year, it becomes obvious that there are really only two or three fights that continually occur. The setting changes, the lines are tweaked a bit, but really, it's the same old fight you had two weeks ago, refreshed and brought out for another go at it.



For example:

"Should I make spaghetti or tacos tonight?"

"Spaghetti sounds good."

"Yeah...but I have those tortillas I need to use."

"We could have them tomorrow."

"No, I think I'll make tacos."


This is not the actual fight, merely the prelude to "The Fight About Why You Ask My Opinion, Then Don't Use It."


Two weeks later it will go something like this:


"I was thinking of painting the bedroom. Do you think this beige color or the blue color would look better?"

"I like the blue. It seems crisp and soothing."

"Yes...but beige is so neutral. It will go with everything. "

"Yeah...but it's kind of boring."

"Still, I think I'm going to go with the beige. Thanks, hon.' "


And...we're back to "The Fight About Why You Ask My Opinion, Then Don't Use It."


One of my oft-recycled arguments is "The Fight About Not Wanting Your Help Unless I Specifically Ask For It." This one pops up quite frequently for me. Maybe it's my Puritan work ethic, or a slight streak of feminism, but please don't try and take over a task that I am working on in an effort to "help" me. I am not a two-year-old. I am a capable, smart, problem-solver. Please, don't insult me by thinking I can't handle things on my own. Yes, I realize this may seem to others, specifically my husband, to be a silly personality quirk. It's my quirk, d@#! it. Accept it already and don't help me! (I realize this is crazy.)


Of course, married life doesn't work that way. One would think that after ten years, or more, of marriage that a couple would understand one another so completely that they would avoid irritating each other in those irrationally annoying aspects of their lives. Nope. Not At All.


A few weeks ago, I woke up tired and feeling a little out of it. I made breakfast for the boys and started a pot of coffee. I hoped a caffeine injection would lift my grumpy spirits. Trying to avoid human contact, I went into the bedroom and began to read while patiently waiting for my coffee to finish its slow brewing, anticipating it with great delight. After about two minutes, in walks my husband with a mug of coffee. For me. Because he loves me. Because he wanted to do something nice.


I sighed and put my head down on the pillow, dreading what was to come. I don't like my husband's coffee. It's too sweet and has more milk than I like in my coffee. He had ruined my expectation of a perfect cup of coffee on this trying morning. I had two choices. I could say nothing, and drink the yucky coffee that I didn't want on this depressing morning, or I could try to secretly pour out the coffee and make my own without him knowing--an impossibility in our small house. I was too impatient for my coffee to wait twenty minutes for him to get in the shower, allowing me to finally get what I wanted and avoid a fight at the same time. While I pondered my options, I grew angry--Who asked him to bring me coffee anyway? Doesn't he know I don't want him to do things for me unless I ask him? He never listens to a thing I say!


I was ramping up for "The Fight About Why You Never Listen To Me."

Familiarity in marriage never prevents the fight. It does, however, greatly decrease the time spent fighting. Once the fight begins it goes something like this:

"Oh, we're having 'The Fight About Why Do You Move My Stuff Without Telling Me.' Let me get out the playbook."

"I say, 'Please, don't move my things.' You say, ' I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it on purpose.' Then, we go back and forth a few more times explaining why we feel the way we do. Voila. Fight ends."

"OK."

"Let's go rent a movie."

Half the time, you're just phoning it in. After a while, a fight that once took two excruciating hours of emotional turmoil can be reduced to a two minute conversation during commercial breaks. Of course that is assuming that PMS, a really bad day at work, or plain old craziness doesn't enter the picture. That can sort of derail the process.

A Cheesy, Rhyming Ode To My Husband

A not-so-serious attempt to immortalize my husband in very bad, rhyming couplets! ;-)


The warmth and love my heart had felt,
as you changed our broken vacuum belt,
and replaced the leaking toilet flapper,
dressed in clothing oh so dapper,
reminded me of who I chose,
to face the many highs and lows,
upon the unknown path we tread,
with kids and bills and constant dread,
of home repairs and busted lights,
of long, hard days and sleepless nights
love alone our binding tether,
the duct-tape of our lives together.

Please don't revoke my English degree! Poor Shakespeare is ripping his ears off in his grave.

Kid-Free Weekend!

A weird and wondrous thing happened this weekend. A tear in the fabric of space/time opened beneath my husband and me. We were whisked away to another dimension that was strangely peaceful, well-ordered, and mood-altering. Disoriented by our fantastic voyage, it took a few minutes to realize what had happened. The kids were gone.

Oh yes, the glories of a good mother-in-law.

Having shuffled my two bundles of chaotic and unending energy up to the grandparents' house and then racing away like mad before grandma realized the folly of her choice to have them for the weekend, I enjoyed the long, calm, hour-and-a-half drive home. I cranked up the radio loud, knowing I wouldn't be interrupted every two minutes with questions about where the cattle go when it rains and what the billboard meant when it read Adult Superstore and why the clouds followed us as we drove? I wasn't responsible for anybody but me. I felt young again.

Upon arriving home, I met my husband at the door and we began laying plans for our 2 day vacation from responsibility. We gleefully rubbed our hands together filled with self-satisfaction at our happy circumstances. It was freeing.

We went out to dinner; we slept late; we played board games in candlelight while drinking sauvignon blanc--not too much. We laughed at each other's dumb jokes and spent 2 days without getting annoyed at, or irritated with, each other. I remembered that we used to have fun every day. Once. A long time ago. Just as a couple. In the BK era. (before kids)

Thanks, MIL, for the break. It was a great time for us. How 'bout we send them up next weekend too?

Flowers

My husband went on a snack run the other day, one of his favorite occupations, and brought me back some beautiful flowers. Awww.....isn't he sweet? I just wanted to give him credit where credit is due. Thanks hon!


P.S...that's my photo of the actual flowers. Don't reproduce it without giving credit for it. Thanks!