Over 1,000 Posts

I realized that I have actually published over 1,000 posts on this blog. It's hard to imagine that I let that many mostly complete thoughts escape my keyboard and wind their way through cyberspace....or, perhaps more honestly, stagnate in this little corner of it.

hmmm.

How many "wasted" hours does that represent?

I don't want to know because for every post I have published there are several others that never made it that far.

Persona Fail

Paul was apparently the earliest "blogger" to be called out for his writing persona not matching up with his "real" persona:

For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.” *

*2nd Corinthians 10:10

Redaction and Control

I have changed quite a bit over the years. Maybe I haven't changed, but what I think about things has changed...drastically in some areas. This is something of which I am constantly aware.

Assistant Village Idiot/AVI, while posting some of his older posts from previous years, which I happened to have commented on, realized that they provided a history of my thoughts.

He writes:

I hadn’t realized that one of the functions of my "Best of” series is to trace the development of terri’s thought. Almost four years later, terri, where do you stand on these two related posts now?

Great. The internets are in my head! ;-)

I won't answer AVI's question in this post, because I would rather spend some time thinking about it and how I will reply, but I will address a topic related to the question; self-redaction.

People change. Their opinions change. Their confidence level changes.

As they change, the need to overturn previous ideas and reformulate their identity comes to the forefront. Normally, this is not a public transformation. People familiar with "the changer" may decide that they no longer have anything in common with them. They may slowly pull away, or "the changer" may naturally drift in a different direction. It usually is not an event that is documented, or perhaps even understood by the people around them, except for maybe their closest relationships.

That is not the current case for anyone who blogs, or for anyone who has any sort of public life, or public stance. Now, anything you have written, or spoken out loud is recorded somewhere, whether it's in the basement archive of the internet, or posted as a video on youtube, or distributed through Facebook profiles. The amount of readily available information on any person who has had any online presence, no matter how minuscule, is staggering.

The only comfort is that there is so much information online that only people who are actively trying to find you, and information about you, will come across the outline of your life.

So, try not to attract stalkers! ;-)

What should bloggers do when they change? I have known some who actively go back and delete previous posts, either out of embarrassment, or a desire to present their current persona as unified.

I have purposely resisted that urge. If I started going through my archives, deleting posts that I wrote and no longer agree with 100%, I would see it as a kind of cannibalism and the worst type of self-deceit. I have the luxury of feeling that way because my blog and readership are pretty small, and I don't plan on running for public office any time soon. I can afford to leave my life and thoughts up, warts and all.

On the other hand, I have severely limited the personal topics which I write about. Only when I need to vent my spleen, do I venture into that territory. I have censored myself because I realize that it is only a matter of time before my blog will be found by someone, somewhere who I know and interact with in real life.

As such, I don't want to write things that I would regret. I also am very aware that as my children grow older and more cognizant of "the blog" that at some future point they will probably read through it. I used to pore over my mother's high school year book and read all of the notes that people wrote in it. It was interesting to think of my mother as a separate person and to peer into her high school relationships in such an innocuous way.

Considering that nothing ever truly disappears on the internet, I choose much more cautiously the things which I write about my experience of motherhood and my relationships with my children. I am always aware that my kids may choose to bore themselves to death, at some point in the future, by reading what I write here.

When I first started blogging, I thought that I was going to be a "mommy blogger" writing posts about the battle of parenthood and how my kids were driving me crazy. I definitely have some of those posts, but I soon realized that I didn't want to write about my daily existence as a mom. That was my 24-7 real life.

I much more enjoyed, and do enjoy, writing about things that had/have little to do with what I spend most of my time doing, managing a family. I know that what I do is important, but I need a slice of myself to not be determined by that role.

I am more than a mom and wife, so I write about everything else that interests me.

About once a month, I have a desperate urge to wipe this blog out....to just stop blogging....to erase as much of my online existence as I can. This usually happens when I have an uptick in traffic.

When someone links to me and actually takes anything I said seriously, it startles me. I want to shrink back and withdraw and ask,"You're listening to me? Really? Are you sure you want to do that?" Because even though I am narcissistic, in the way that all regular bloggers must be in order to think that anyone cares what they have to say in the first place, I am also uncomfortable with being scrutinized. I like to be in control of who knows me and how well they know me. I like to have a sense for who's reading and why and what the likely reaction will be.

The longer I blog, the more open I leave myself to being mentally dissected by anyone who chooses to spend the time dissecting me. My safety lies in the fact that most people are not all that interested in the task. So...Yay for that!

Even though I have the urges to delete and redact and be in control of my online persona, I resist that urge because I think that it's bad for me to give in to it. Keeping the ugly parts, and the not-so-coherent parts, and the parts I would rather forget, and the earnest, innocent parts is important. It causes me, most of the time, to speak/write with some humility...because I am sure that somewhere, someone could find something I wrote and throw it right back at me. At least in keeping all of what I have written, it's possible to trace where I started and how I got there.

When we essentially erase our history and rewrite a better, more pleasing(to ourselves) version of it we lose touch with reality and present a reality that doesn't quite adhere to itself. We put forth a history which isn't true or real...at least in the sense of "history".

Unfortunately, the common impulse is to do just that. History is replete with empires and religions and movements which have, upon coming into power, tried to erase all mention of previous empires, religions, and movements.

I think of the biography I read about Henry the VIII's wives, and how when he moved on to a new wife, he would try to erase any mention of the old one. One, in particular, had been so thoroughly erased that there was only one spot in the royal house which had her initials, an overlooked artifact that had been missed in the "cleansing" of her memory.

Self-redaction is a mild form of self-destruction and denial.

I am trying to look at myself unflinchingly...though I do sometimes flinch at the sight of myself and what the changing appearance means for me. Yet....I won't completely break the mirror and pretend that I don't see myself for who I am and where I came from.

Blogging Advice

James F. McGrath has pointers on how to know if you have a blogging problem, and how to know if you are a responsible blog owner.

Prescient points for all of us bloggers.

Recent Comments?

Hmm...my recent comments widget seems to only be displaying not-so-recent comments. I've found that a little delay is normal on blogger blogs, but some of the comments are almost a day old.

Any advice out there?

Who Do You Read?

Just an observation...

I enjoy reading the blogs of people who I don't agree with in every aspect, but who have enough points in common with me that a conversation is easily facilitated.

You learn more from interacting with people who aren't exactly like you, in which case each of you simply congratulates the other on how right they(and you) are, and who aren't completely different from you, in which case the chasm of differences becomes too wide to contemplate crossing.

Who do you read and why?

Blogroll Update

I'm going through the blogroll, deleting blogs that I haven't really read in quite some time and adding some that I read regularly.

The first addition goes to John Hobbins and his blog Ancient Hebrew Poetry. John actually frustrates me sometimes. I don't always agree with him and he lapses into occasional, fiery rhetoric. However, he almost always has something interesting on his blog and even when I disagree with him, I can see that he has thought deeply about the points he is making.

Next addition goes to Joel Watts with his blog The Church of Jesus Christ. Quite a weighty name to give to your blog! My husband looked over my shoulder one day while reading it, thinking it was the website of a new denomination or maybe a cult. Nope. Just some guy blogging....but he blogs frequently and has an interesting mix of ideas.

Third addition...Opining Online, by Donna B. I've run into Donna at Assistant Village Idiot's blog before and every time I click over to her blog I always find something interesting on it...a mix of personal blogging, conservative ideas and some posts that are just for fun. Well-rounded.

I'll be adding more over the next few weeks.

Christmas Cards for Bloggers

Caption: "Oh, I am so blogging about this."

So that's how we got the gospel of Luke!

Link Love

It's been a while since I've linked to people I'm reading.

So here are a few posts I have enjoyed the last few days.

First up--The Retriever has a beautiful post about Hebrews 12, love, discipline and life.

James has a good post with some great quotes from Thomas Paine.

An amusing Halloween post from the internetmonk.

Forgetful

Sometimes I forget that actual people read what I write here. My blog readership is small and always has been. I like to think that I have quality readers instead of a large quantity of readers.

My average daily visits run anywhere from 20-35 people...and many of those are random hits looking for naked pictures. Reminder to self....never use the phrase "naked pictures", even jokingly, in a blog title. Google sends the wrong kind of traffic here as a result.

Yesterday, after linking to a CNN article, CNN linked back to my blog, sending about 500 people from all over the country to my tiny, little corner of cyberspace. I appreciate the love from CNN, but it's always a little overwhelming when things like that happen unexpectedly.

It reminds me that I need to be thoughtful about the things I write and what I put out into the internet.

I'm a personal blogger. While I will occasionally blog on politics, religion, or other "big" themes, even those posts are from my personal perspective and experiences. I realized a long time ago that the only opinion I can truly represent is my own. I have no notions of trying to influence, or argue people into agreeing with me. I enjoy discussions, but I'm not a crusader.

As a result, when my traffic spikes or my comment threads become involved and long, I often withdraw, because I'm not used to my "voice" reaching quite so far.

I'll try to get over that.

Addition to the Blogroll

I've been meaning to add Reconciliation Blog to the blogroll for a while but hadn't gotten around to it.

I appreciate Ed G.'s current post about the Gates/Obama/Crowley situation and it reminded me once again to add his blog.

On Hiatus

I'm still alive and breathing!

The desire to blog can't be mustered from me lately. I've been busy trying to get the kids ready for school starting next week, recovering from my last treatment, and making arrangements for childcare for my next treatment, which is tomorrow.

I spent a couple of days in a mad cleaning frenzy--shampooing carpets, cleaning the upholstery of our dining set--never buy white cloth chairs...even if you don't have kids at the time--cleaning our screened porch, and reorganizing our kitchen cabinets. I think this was brought on by the fact that our home was a mess when we had the break-in. DH is great at taking care of the kids while I am recovering, not so great at the cleaning of the home. The violation of having someone in our home, combined with the fact that it was a disaster at the time, made me go spring-cleaning crazy.

Anyway...I've been busy and also feeling a general malaise toward blogging.

I appreciate everyone who stops by with kind words. I will still check on the blog every once in a while, but I won't be posting regularly until the end of September when I am finally done with treatment; maybe sooner if the kids are in school and I am feeling well.

Until then...take care.

Blog Break

The kids are at Grandma's for the weekend and I have been told, upon pain of death, that I am not allowed to blog, or surf blogs, this weekend......hehehe.

I love how DH thinks he's actually in control of me! :-)

It's kind of cute.

See y'all in a few.

Yeeeaaah Baby!

DH just signed us up with DSL. We are marching into the 21st century! I can actually watch all the weird YouTube things people put on their blogs now!

Maybe I'll even learn how to do it on my own blog!

WOOHOO!!

Catching Up

I'm ending the BlogFast simply because there's a lot on my mind and blogging lets me vent those things without having to make those around me suffer through my verbal overload. Not blogging was constructive in the amount of time I saved, and several times I realized it helped me focus on other areas of my life more completely. Oh...how I missed it though....not even for important things, but in not being able to record the cute things my kids said or post pictures of fun outings we had.

bummer.

so without further ado......

In February, we went to the Florida State Fair. It's an annual outing for us. We invited my dad to come out and took him with us as a way to try and connect with him. Intuitive Monkey climbed to the top of The Big Yellow Slide and rode down it's four-story high slope on a burlap sack.



He lived to tell about it.

We also checked out the miniature horse show. Many of the participants were hardly older than The Rationalist.




Inspired to be cowboys, the boys found just the right horse for them; easy to care for, gentle, and just the right size.





No unsightly droppings to pick up either.

Lent

I'm a little late to this, but this past week has been crazy busy for me, and I haven't had a lot of time to thoughtfully think about what I would give up for Lent. Amanda is daring enough to give up TV for six weeks....may God give her strength! :-)

I have thought about it and decided that I will be giving up blogging for Lent with the exception of Sundays, during which I will post a single devotional/meditative post. Blogging chews up a lot of my time and can drag me into cynicism or irritation after reading especially groan-worthy opinions from people I don't even know. It is probably the most spiritually important sacrifice, that would be enormously beneficial, I could make.

My fingers will be going through typing withdrawl.

See you on Sundays!

Blogging Blahs

Inigo DeLeon "The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block."

To Blog......or Not To Blog, that is the question.

There are a million ideas I have that I'd like to write about, so it's not for lack of subjects that I have abandoned my blog to the mundane. Quite simply, I am wondering about whether my blog has any viable purpose for me right now. When I delve into things more deeply, I enjoy it, but it also makes me a little obsessive. I check to see if anyone has commented. I think about what I wrote and wish I had said it better. I ponder things while driving around and doing errands. All this over my little square of cyberspace.

Commenting on other blogs does the same thing. I check back to see if anyone has replied,then reply to their reply. Back and forth it goes and all of a sudden I've "wasted" a good chunk of time.

I don't always see it as a waste. I've had a number of good conversations. The question is, in the long run, is blogging beneficial to me as a person, and to the few brave souls who weather through my mundane posts with me?

Who knows?

So...I might blog more. I might not. I might revamp my blog or start a completely new one that has more focus. I might wake up one day and delete the whole thing. Probably not, there are too many anecdotes and pics of my kids for me to jettison them into the nether regions.

Either way I'm in the process of figuring it out.

That's Sooo High School!

Apparently, I'm stuck in high school. I hope that cute boy asks me to the dance.

Get a Cash Advance

Update.....ugh. I guess the price of getting a cute, fun, blog badge is having a link to a cash advance site. Ignore it! :-)

Quote

The essence of most blogs:

"Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness."

--Cullen Hightower

Lazy

I haven't posted about anything of substance in a while. I think it's because I spent too much time this week at Back Flipping Forward involved in this thread: Follow-up: "Letters From A Skeptic"

Which brings me to the perennial question: Why am I a better commenter than blogger?

That's assuming that I actually am a better commenter, and not deluding myself with visions of grandeur....not that I think I am grand or anything.

And what, exactly, does it mean to be grand?

I'd better stop while I am a head....I mean ahead.


:-)